Amy Winehouse: The Bone-Headed Vow Renewal

So Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil have split up and everyone’s generally quite relieved about it, right?

Think again - even though he’s probably going to be in prison for the foreseeable future and she doesn’t seem to be able to go more than a day without being in the papers for getting off with a variety of blokes who all look like infected bum scabs, Amy Winehouse and Blake Civil-Fielder are apparently planning to renew their marriage vows.

That’s the story, at least - in truth we’d imagine that Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil will opt for a slight retooling of their marriage vows. Since it’s fairly difficult to pledge ‘to have and to hold’ when one of them’s locked away in prison, perhaps Amy Winehouse can instead vow to keep her mangy genitals away from anyone out of Babyshambles for a nonspecific period of time. It’s the same wedding vows we’d want.

Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil are a bit like a soap opera. A really shit soap opera that seems to just comprise of one single episode repeated four times daily until the end of time even though people would rather watch kitten torture instead because it’s less harrowing.

But at least we thought we knew where Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil were going. Ever since Blake’s been in prison for allegedly perverting the course of justice all over some bloke’s face, Amy Winehouse has allegedly found comfort in the arms of other men.

Well, OK, not men exactly - little Ben Mitchell from EastEnders and Cousin Itt and someone’s grotty-looking grandpa to be more precise - but it doesn’t matter. To the casual observer, the signs were clear - Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil were on the outs.

Except now they’re apparently not. Apparently Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil have fallen in love again and want to renew their marriage vows in an effort to prove to the world that they’re committed to one another. It’s either a case of absence making the heart grow stronger or Class A drugs making the brain grow stupider, but we’ll let The Sunday Mirror carry on for us:

A source said: “Amy and Blake are more determined than ever to show the world they are together. As soon as he is out they will be renewing their wedding vows - they want to put two fingers up to those who want them apart.” The source added: “They want another wedding, a family and are even planning to set up a business together.”

Memorise that paragraph, everyone, because we don’t think a string of words has ever been put together more perfectly. You’d think that a quicker way of putting two fingers up to those who want them apart would be for Amy Winehouse to stop being romantically linked to a brand new man every couple of days, while the thought of them starting a business just beggars belief. Unless, of course, they charge people to stay at their house and experience a kind of perpetual retelling of the last few scenes of Requiem For A Dream in the flesh. There’s money in that, we’re sure.

And starting a family? Actually, that’s not such a bad idea. A baby, after all, makes the ideal unwitting drug mule. Maybe Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil aren’t so crazy after all.

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Exclusive: A second wedding for Amy Winehouse and Blake - Sunday Mirror