In a bold move to try and make people remember who he is, Blake Fielder-Civil has claimed Amy Winehouse died in his arms.

The problems here are twofold: one – it’s only nearly died, thus removing most of the impact, and two – who the hell is Blake Fielder-Civil?

Answers on a postcard please.

Even faced with this wall of evidence pointing to the fact that no one cares or knows who this plum is, The Sun still went and chatted to Amy Winehouse’s ex-husband where he revealed the astonishing facts of a regular junkie party for the former couple.

Though, to be fair, it’s not so astonishing when you factor in that he’s a massive druggy, she’s a massive druggy (or at least was) and the combination of druggy plus druggy usually equals nearly dying.

Romanticise the notion, use fruity language of love, be so utterly frank about how scared you were and net a few grand from The Sun (as well as your ex-wife) in the process if you so choose. Thing is, you’re still just a couple of junkies ODing in a grotty room.

He described the situation thusly to the paper:

“She started having a fit on the bed. She slid down on to the floor before I could stop her. She started quivering again and it suddenly grew into what seemed like a full-blown epileptic fit. I was panicking. I didn’t know how to help her. I was out of it on drugs as well – and was sobbing and crying out: ‘Amy!’”

Blake Fielder-Civil – the caring man’s smackfiend – went on:

“I knelt over her as she kept fitting. But then suddenly she just passed out and stopped breathing.”

Fortunately (depending on how you feel about Winehouse), Blake was just about capable to put Amy in the recovery position, make sure she didn’t swallow her tongue and some other stuff that stopped her from dying – all while high. What a hero to us all.

Ladies and gentlemen, our new superhero: Smackman.

Not content with being a caring addict-cum-Smackman, Blaaaaaaaake went on to try and turn Amy off the horse following the incident:

“She had everything going for her. But she ended up behaving badly just to shock. After a while that just becomes a bore. I’d warned her to stop.”

Yep, that’s exactly how we’d describe heroin: boring. His speech was such a rousing success that she had to run off to the Caribbean for a year to get clean. Well done all!

Though maybe Amy Winehouse could have warned him to stop wearing such shit hats to return the favour.