So far this season, American Idol has thrown up guest judges of just about every different persuasion.
Like your judges catty? There’s Katy Perry. Like your judged confusingly randy? There’s Shania Twain. Like your judges charming or bulgy-veined? There’s Neil Patrick Harris and Mary J Blige respectively. Like your American Idol guest judges useless and scrawny and dressed up like cursed voodoo trinkets? Then there’s always Victoria Beckham. But nobody wants that, because Victoria Beckham is rubbish, right?
Possibly not. Victoria Beckham was back guest-judging American Idol last night. And, look, we really don’t know how to break this to you, but she wasn’t completely terrible. If anybody needs us, we’ll be in the corner piecing our exploded psyche back together.
Like many people, our entire lives are built on the firm understanding that everything Victoria Beckham ever does will be terrible. Solo career? Terrible? Stint as an actress? Terrible. Tesco saleswoman? Terrible. Attempts to crack America? Terrible? Attempts to get her own show? Terrible. Attempts to chase a pig around a school? Terrible. Attempts to find a husband with a man’s voice? Terrible.
Ability to guest-judge American Idol? Terrible. Because, come on, Victoria Beckham’s already had one go, and she was rubbish. She wasn’t as sassy as Katy Perry, nor as off-puttingly horny as Shania Twain. All Victoria Beckham did was turn up to the auditions and hope that her stick-thin appearance, coupled with an outfit that made her look like an ill-advised My First Melanesian Shrunken Head fashion doll, would spook the contestants into singing properly. Victoria Beckham was terrible. Terrible terrible terrible.
And then Victoria Beckham turned up again on last night’s American Idol and – get this – wasn’t terrible. She wasn’t amazing, admittedly, but she wasn’t terrible. Look at the reaction she got from the internet:
Gather: “Victoria Beckham was as close to perfect as possible for the judges table. It needs to have more ‘grown ups’ on that side of the table who will be making the decision.”
Houston Chronicle: “Victoria Beckham was much more animated this time around.”
iFMagazine: “Posh Spice aka Victoria Beckham returned as a judge this week, not sure why they couldn’t get someone else but she’s better than those bitches Katy Perry and Avril Lavigne.”
There. The three greatest compliments that Victoria Beckham has ever received in her entire life. We don’t know about you, but we’re scared. This is like discovering that the Earth revolves around the sun. What if Victoria Beckham appears on American Idol again and goes from ‘not terrible’ to ‘quite good’? It’d be a disaster! It would shake everything we thought we knew about the world. This must not be allowed to happen.
Seriously, if Victoria Beckham not being terrible at something isn’t a sign of End Times, then we don’t know what is. Oh God, what’s next? What if Lindsay Lohan makes a film that we’re able to watch all the way through? Someone hold us.
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey..don’t put Victoria and Lindsay Lohan in the same space, let alone in the same article or the same sentence! Victoria has a brain which has mess up with some fashion force from the outer space, while having some intelligent and cleverness to keep her children in order and happy, and David to stay put and content with her and *gasp* love her still!
While Lindsay is just a TRAIN WRECK who’s brain is totally DAMAGED with all the CRACK that she jammed up his head and all the smoke she put in her lung! Not to mention the amount of alcohol in her system it impossible to clean her inside out anymore!
And lol..I really hope Victoria WILL be back in American Idol, or perhaps the permanent host of the View, and BE GREAT, or VERY GOOD, just to piss you off..and watch you put the pieces of your head together again! Haha! ;D
Posh seems to be coming into her own some, eating healthily, she looks fantastic lately. Righty fine girl.
That was Victoria Beckham? I thought they’d just balanced a chimpanzee’s skull on top of a well-dressed baguette.
Shania Twain was funny
victoria beckham? i tell you…if all the girls were ugly like her i wuold rather be gay she is fake, and incredibly ugly
Beckham has done what many UK entertainers do when they want to re brand themselves, moved to the USA. In the UK, they will not be able to remove the slapper or has been tag. Their slum/estate upbringing will always follow them around. They run away to the USA in the hope that they can bury their past. Beckham is not considered either talented or any kind of beauty or intelligent person in the UK. Much like other Spice Girls, Cole, and other people. It is also true of UK politicians, who run to the USA to avoid facing the public and the truth in the UK. Bliar in particular, but Thatcher also. Doesnt this say something about the perceived realities of living in the UK vrs USA when so many people run away to the USA.