American Idol Stripper Takes His Naked Nutsack Elsewhere
This year's American Idol had a multi-talented star in the making in David Hernandez – not only could he sing, but he could also jiggle his balls in your face for cash.
However, the American public didn't quite see it like that, which is why David Hernandez has been voted out of American Idol already.
Clearly the whole stripper scandal had an effect on David Hernandez's popularity, but his belief in the power of destiny means that he's not letting this disappointing result get him down. "Things happen for a reason," David said. Which is true – it just so happens that the reason in this case is that David Fernandez used to do grubby naked erotic dances for sleazy businessmen. Hey, this destiny thing is a breeze!
American Idol works on a very simple principle – you get a bunch of people together and slowly weed out the interesting ones with feathery hat-wings until you're left with a technically-competent personality-free moppet with enough dumb ambition to yield to each of Simon Cowell's capricious whims and release two big-selling singles and a middling album before they're slung back on the scrapheap. Unless you're Taylor Hicks, in which case you can skip the bit about being successful.
David Hernandez looked like exactly this sort of potential American Idol winner. He was blandly handsome, proficient at singing and stood out because of his weird compulsion to make a noise like an angry Ewok in the middle of all his songs. But David Hernandez didn't think that would be enough to stand out with, so he went and gave himself a long career as a male stripper in a seedy Phoenix club beforehand, too.
And you have to admit that the tactic worked – thanks to his past spent rhythmically flapping his genitals at strangers for money, David Hernandez was the only American Idol contestant that anyone could talk about, even more so than that creepy little wet-mouthed boy singer. American Idol didn't even sack David Hernandez for his previous indiscretions – and Hernandez silently vowed to make the most of this second chance.
Yeah, didn't last. David Hernandez has been voted out of American Idol already. E! Online reports:
In the end, 29 million Americans couldn't come together in support of David Hernandez. After a foray into the Lennon-McCartney songbook resulted in a changing of the guard as far as American Idol's talent-based frontrunners are concerned, it was the 24-year-old Arizona State student (and, one more time, former stripper) who was forced to take an early bow. "Things happen for a reason," Hernandez mused after learning he had been eliminated Wednesday. But "you'll see me at the top. This isn't it for me."
Yeah, at the top of a strippers pole with his balls all greased up, wriggling around to Gypsies, Tramps And Thieves. Heh.
Anyway, David Hernandez is probably right. An early elimination from American Idol quite often leads to bigger and better things. So long as you call getting arrested, falling pregnant and starring in a sex tape bigger and better.
But even if, by some strange quirk of fate, David Hernandez's destiny doesn't fulfil itself and we never hear from him again, we're certain that he'll manage to make a decent enough living doing something else.
Can't think what, though…
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Can you folks only get hits if you add Taylor Hicks to your article? Geeez
The writer is so obsessed with David’s ball and eeeekrk genitals….is he dying to get on the nutsshak with poor David? Give the guy a break!
Why don’t you headline Taylor’s charity appearance for the Children’t Miracle Network this weekend in Orlando – or is that not scandous enough for you? You SUCK dude! Get a friggin life.
Man, hell hath no fury like the rabid Soul Patrollers. Batten down your hatches man. I’ll say a small prayer for you.
Regarding Hernandez, the stripper part of him was the only thing remotely interesting. He was bland. The talk about his boogers not real appealing either. Any who cheers and he’s hoping creepy wet mouthed boy can take a final fall. I can’t watch the kid sing, it’s just disgusting. More tongue thrashing than a gecko at high noon.
*correction* not he’s, rather “here’s hoping”. Who knows where that came from… ha.
A comment to WHOA…the fury doesn’t come from the Soul Patrollers….it comes from the “Taylor Hick and Soul Patrol” HATERS!! And btw….it’s Wooooooooooooo!!!! All these critics know how to get hits to their write ups and blogs…ya think?
I’m not a soul patroler, but I find the Hicks bashing trite and overdone. He is much more successful than you. We know who he is, but have no idea who the hell you are. Get some new material, originality goes a long way, just ask Taylor.
But Whoa all these bloggers who gratuitously toss Taylor’s name into every piece they write would be broken hearted, not to mentioned suffer from seriously reduced site hits, if the SP didn’t show up when they leave cookies out for them. It’s just the SP’s way of passing on the charitable work Taylor does, think of it as Blog Aid.
Why do you make so many cruel remarks about Taylor Hicks? He never made strange movements, he’s the oldest because AI raised the age limit this year.(Do your homework) Does it make you feel like a bigger man to be so cruel. You should see him in concert–almost all were packed this last tour, people-all ages, female & male-dancing almost constantly. He’s the “real deal” and you should give him a try.
Dale Coe Schultz
I’M SURE DAVID IS MUCHMUCHMUCHMUCH HOTTER THAN YOU. U SUCKS TO THE MOTHER FUCKING CORE! BYE FREAK