Round here we often have long X Factor Vs American Idol battles, and American Idol often wins, for one simple reason: in American Idol the judges aren't in competition, so you usually get a three-fold unified blast of thundering cruelty from them. 

And the American Idol judges – Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, the other one – are always so indiscriminate with their wildly untempered cruelty that anyone who stands in front of them is put on the receiving end of a barrage of insults so ferocious that one boy – after singing a particularly poor version of Signed, Sealed, Delivered – actually melted like the bloke at the end of that Indiana Jones movie a couple of weeks ago. And since a new series of American Idol has just started, the now-traditional 'American Idol Isn't Very Nice' complaints have started rushing in, primarily from Rosie O'Donnell. And Simon Cowell will give the equally traditional 'Oh Do Shut Up' response to the criticism, just as soon as he's finished kicking that fat disabled kid who sang God Bless America's head off.

American Idol has now cemented itself in the TV schedules to such an extent that it just doesn't surprise you any more. Every year Paula Abdul acts all crazy, whether it's by possibly sleeping with a contestant or just slurring her words, giggling and staring into space for vast periods of time. Every year Randy Jackson bellows the word "dog" like a canine-fixated toddler with Aspergers. Every year Simon Cowell is slightly rude to the American Idol contestants. And every year people queue up to tell him off about it. 

Last year American Idol was accused of being homophobic after Simon Cowell couldn't tell if one contestant was a boy or a girl, and this year things are no different. This year American Idol has been accused of all kinds of non-specific cruelty from people who possibly haven't ever seen American Idol before or know why it's so popular. Chiefly these claims of cruelty came after Simon Cowell said one hopeful looked like a "bush baby" and openly mocked another one even though he was disabled and had actually been in the Special Olympics. And wading into American Idol like the world's most opportunistic knee-jerker is omnipotent Donald Trump-hating walking opinion Rosie O'Donnell, who lambasted Simon Cowell and American Idol during her daytime TV show for the way contestants were treated by:

“three millionaires, one probably intoxicated… If you keep serving people crap and telling them it’s a meal, they’re eventually going to think it is a meal.”

And she should know. Thank goodness Rosie O'Donnell didn't see any of Celebrity Big Brother last week – we get the feeling her head would have literally exploded the second she saw Jade Goody. But did Simon Cowell reply by getting into a spectacularly long-winded argument with Rosie? Surprisingly, no. In fact, Simon Cowell has responded to all of the American Idol criticism with one withering statement:

“If you don’t want to hear that, don’t show up.”

And we're going to take Simon Cowell's side here – without the first few undeniably cruel weeks of American Idol, what are you left with? A dull singing contest that invariably ends up with a halfhearted Doobie Brothers single, and who the hell would want to watch a bag of shit like that?

Read more:

Idol Judges Say There's No Cruel Streak This Year – MSNBC