When you think rock, chances are you think Slash. And then when you think Slash, you think silly silly hat.
Anyway, last night was American Idol‘s Rock Night, and Slash was drafted in to be the guest mentor. Did he do his job? In the sense that he made one of the contestants sound like a wounded dinosaur being forced to participate in a violent bout of prison sex, then yes. Slash did his job extraordinarily well.
So which of the American Idol contestants will be eliminated tomorrow? The American Idol judges didn’t force their opinions on anyone. At all. Ahem.
At this precise moment in time, there are only four American Idol contestants left in the competition. We’ve said goodbye to all the old favourites like Blindy and Monobrow and that completely anonymous woman and now we’re left with American Idol‘s creme de la creme. Plus that bloke whose wife died.
And at this point, the American Idol judges already know which two performers they want in the final – Adam Lambert and Danny Gokey. The trouble with this, though, is that they might not get want they want, due to a) Adam Lambert being in the bottom two last week and b) Danny Gokey being an absolute shitcake.
So that’s why everyone knew what’d happen during last night’s American Idol – the judges would fall over themselves praising Adam and Danny, while Kris Allen and Allison Iraheta would be told that their voices had single-handedly given Simon Cowell Ebola of the bum. And that’s exactly what happened, even though Kris Allen and Allison Iraheta were perfectly decent and Danny Gokey chose to make this noise instead of doing any actual singing…
But we shouldn’t judge Danny Gokey for singing like a 1950s housewife who’s just seen a mouse in her kitchen, because this was American Idol Rock Night, and everyone knows that the essence of rock is making a series of wildly jarring noises with your mouth. It’s why Allison Iraheta sounded like an emphysemic woman trying to shout at the moon during her performance of Cry Baby, and it’s why Adam Lambert sang Whole Lotta Love in the style of a man who’d necked a handful of laxatives earlier and was trying desperately to clamp his sphincter shut so he wouldn’t drown the audience with a horrific poo tsunami.
We’ll just have to wait until tonight to see who’ll get the boot from American Idol this week. If the judges get their way, Kris Allen will get eliminated. If the audience votes honestly, Danny Gokey will go. If we have our way, the four American Idol judges plus the entire production team will sign a televised pledge promising that Rock Night was a ghastly mistake that will never be made again, and then they’ll cancel the rest of the season by way of apology.
Our way sounds the best.
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Eve says
Hahahahahahaha!!! Hihihihihihihi!!! Hohohohohohoho!!! We were all dying of laughter at horrible Gokey!!! He was trying to clone Adam as he himself said he’s been learning from the performance of some one he didn’t want to name. Everyone already has a clue who. And last night he confirmed it: from looking and following the camera, to the swagger in the stage, to the conducting the band and the signature “passaggio” of Adam. But OMG! What HORROR!!! He totally completely failed miserably! We could not stop laughing. Hahahahahahaha!!! Hihihihihihihi!!! Hohohohohohoho!!! Stay true to yourself Gokey. Don’t trespass where you know it’s not your turf. You believe in yourself too much you can do an Adam all the way. Know who you really are. Don’t be a FAKE. It shows your arrogance and insincerity. But thank you for giving us reasons to have a good laugh!!!
Jill says
Did anyone notice how Paula wasn’t wearing any earrings and then she was? She must have forgotten them and made someone bring them to her! LOL
Idol nut says
Did you all know that Danny Gokey and Jamie Gold are fraternal twins? When the parents divorced, Jamie moved in with his father and Danny lived with the mom (who later married Mr. Gokey) and was adopted–taking the Gokey last name.
Melodie says
Damn, baby, Danny Gokey gave me the freakies last night. I think he’s a good singer, and I think he pulled it off last night, dinosaur prison sex or no dinosaur prison sex, but he looks like he should be singing “The Rainbow Connection.”
Just that: “The Rainbow Connection,” over and over and over again. So hearing that sound coming out of that guy… seriously, it was creepy as hell.
Jen says
I thought Adam did well last night. His duet with Allison has a lot of energy to it. Anyone can be knock down. Eventually, it’s the idol fans who dictates the winner.
roguegraphics says
Jamie Gold was born in 1969, so either it was the longest labor in history, or dare I say, you seem very confused.
yehaw00 says
It makes one wonder if there is ever an American Idol singer that you really like! I will have to agree with you on Danny’s attempt to sing rock though. It did sound like he was trying to imitate
Adam, or some other rock singer, and he just didn’t pull it off.
My vote is still for Adam, but there can always be surprises on this show, so you never know for sure who the winner will be.
Mon says
ADAM LAMBERT SUCKS! He sucks bigtime. This fucker isnt even rock n roll. He is a total fag! And he doesnt have a good voice. He is a theatrical actor. Thats where he gets his whole costume look and stage presence. He is NOT rock. I seriously hope he does not win this competition.
kate says
ok this did make me laugh but it was confusing because i didnt really get your point of veiw. you dissed on chris[not my favorite], alison[amazing] and danny. i only have 2 words for danny dyeing buzzard i didnt like his performence at all he sucked! what confused me is you dissed on adam yes i understand he has a voice that not everybody apriciates but he is ingenious and amazing. when you wrote this were you on something.[just kidding] why write about a show you dont like. i just think if you hated it so much and you dont like the show why watch it or complain i understand your a grumpy person oh well.
—–confused person =D
jenny says
you don’t know talent when you see it!!
adam sucks says
Adam is a TALENTLESS, POLE POLISHING FAGGOTT. He needs beaten, then hung, then burned. I hope he dies of AIDS soon.
arggie says
I agree with you my MON, I can’t stand Adam. What I really also hate is how the producers are manipulating the show.
cocopie says
Adam you were amazing. You and Allsion should be on top this week. Danny was so awful he needs to go.
brandy says
Anybody that says adam lambert can’t sing or needs to go home really doesnt know there music very well at all. He is the most talented person to ever come on america idol. Who cares if he is gay or whatever. His range is unbeliavable. Its up there with sebastian bach. Its not about being gay or whatever its about talent. And he has that. And even if he doesnt win he will do better than the person who does win. Just like when Chris Daughtry got screwed. He’s sold a hell of alot more albums than taylor hicks. People are way to judgemental of who a person is and not there talent. And thats what the show is about is singing!!!!! I can understand having your favorties and not liking him but to say he sucks and cant sing. That makes you look like a total idiot.
Patrice says
Arggie and “Adam Sucks” – both of you are like the psychopaths who used to lynch black people. You two are full of hate and I think it is hilarious that you two are the total losers you are (and don’t even have the guts to use your real name)and Adam will go on to be a superstar and actually contribute something positive to the world. I hope you both take yourselves out of the gene pool and let your hate die with you.
Joe says
I played in bands back in the 60’s and 70’s and have watched American Idol since the 2nd season and have seen some really talented people come through like Carrie Underwood, Daughtry, etc., however I have to admit the most talented performer ever has to be Adam Lambert. This kid is in a league of his own, both my wife and myself have been amazed at his singing ability and his stage presence. For you homophobics you need to give credit where credit is due and not personalize your comments. I am not a fan of the gay movement in this country because of its in your face attitude and its assault on traditional marriage but look beyond you prejudices and judge Adam for his ability. I was really shocked that Allison was voted off the show, considering her great voice and abilty. Danny is a fine singer and I believe he or Allison could have taken it all in past seasons. Kris seems like a nice kid but his voice and talent are rather vanilla and to me bland. So come on you people Adam should win this and I believe he could very easily be the biggest Idol ever.
jj says
The show is scripted because they want Danny to stay. Allison should’ve stayed. Let’s protest!
kathie says
I think that people who talk about other people like osme od you do are the sickest form of society and should not be allowed to be free. How dare you psychos talk about Adam like that. He is the greatest talent to come along in many years and if he is gay well then I would rather have a million Adams in this world than 1 of you. And hoping that he dies of Aids well he will make millions and you will continue to be the jealous mentally unbalanced asshole that you are.
tricia says
People, especially girls, like Adam because he is good looking just like how fangirls loved David Archuleta. American Idol is all about singing competition not some beauty contest.
You can’t blame Danny for singing like that. We all know that it is not his forte. But at least he tried. And he also was never in the bottom three unlike Adam which means he is much better than that “probably gay” rocker.
Rock My World says
Your comments reflect not who Adam is, but who you are and what you secretly want others to do to.
Jackie says
PLEASE go home now, Gokey. A Kris-Adam finale would be awesome. And it’s going to happen.
Paola Zelaya says
Horribleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! jajajajaja
Charlene says
How can you be so horrible as a human being? I am happy to know that you will never be content and happy person walking around with such hatred for other people. I’ll bet you call yourself a christian too. I would never hope that someone suffers. Even people like you.
jean harris says
Kris rocks !!! And I am a 66 year old grandmother of 5. He has the personality to represent America.
jean harris says
Sorry, no one could ever be bigger than Carrie Underwood, unless Elvis resurrects.
bug says
You seriously scare me