Last night American Idol sang songs from the movies – specifically the movies with dreadful power ballads in them.

Honestly American Idol, Songs From The Movies? Be more broad next time, we dare you. Why not have a Songs That Exist night? Or, if you feel that’s too constricting for your audience, why not have an Arbitrarily-Chosen Ambient Sounds night? Would you watch Lil Rounds give a heartbreaking performance of Dot Matrix Printer Paper Jam? Because we bloody would.

Anyway, because last night’s American Idol was about films, the show booked Quentin Tarantino to be the guest mentor. Which was weird.

American Idol is one of the biggest shows in history because it understands. It understands that, with Blindy being eliminated last week, the roster of inexplicably bad American Idol contestants is drying up. And without anyone to laugh at, American Idol becomes the worst thing it could possibly be – sincere.

But as we said, American Idol understands this and took two genius measures last night to stop this from happening. These were:

1 – Only letting Simon Cowell comment on about 50% of the performances, much to his obvious chagrin, and

2 – Bringing in Quentin Tarantino to be the contestants’ mentor as a way of promoting his new film, even though he has no obvious musical ability and his new film has the words ‘bastards’ in the title so nobody on American Idol could specifically refer to it by name.

But still, with Quentin Tarantino as the mentor on Movie Night, maybe he’d help to choose some typically idiosyncratic song choices. Perhaps Stuck In The Middle With You, or Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood, or The Love You Save (May Be Your Own) by Joe Tex. But, no, that didn’t happen either. Instead we basically got smacked over the head with a lot of genuinely bad power ballads. Most of which seemed to have been recorded by Bryan Adams, depressingly.

But despite all this obvious nonsense, what were the American Idol performances actually like? Drearily standard, to be honest. Lil Rounds wasn’t as good as people expected her to be, Danny Gokey cried because he’s got a dead wife, Anoop Desai pulled a face that was a little bit ’stalker’ and a little bit ‘rapist’ during Everything I Do (I Do It For You) and Adam Lambert magically transformed Paula Abdul into the world’s worst Yoda impressionist. Exactly what we’d expect at this point in the competition.

So with that in mind, who’ll be chucked out of American Idol tonight? On the basis of last night’s show, Lil Rounds. But who knows? All we can say about the American Idol results show with any certainty is that it’ll have about 15 pointless performances by people we don’t like in it, it’ll go on for roughly nine days longer than anybody really wants it to and we’ll seriously consider impaling a giant metal spike through our eyes and face about 15 minutes in. So, you know, nothing new.

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