American Idol may be tired and over-long and tedious and stuffed to the brim with jarring product placement.

But it knows one thing. Despite all the criticism it receives, at least American Idol knows that there’s no worse thing on Earth than an acoustic reggae performance of Under My Thumb by the Rolling Stones. Apart from, you know, everything that Lacey Brown has ever said, done or thought.

Last night Lacey Brown became the first of American Idol’s final 12 contestants to be sent home, after performing a version of Ruby Tuesday that sounded like she’d just pulled a tranquiliser dart from the back of her neck. So goodbye Lacey Brown – we’ll always remember you. Specifically we’ll always remember you as the woman who wasn’t even as good as an acoustic reggae version of Under My Thumb. Not a great obituary, is it?

American Idol always kicks into a higher gear when it reaches its final 12 contestants. It’s when the chaff has been removed, and what’s left are 12 glorious specimens of slightly higher-grade chaff that Simon Cowell will pretend to love more than he really does in the blind hope that he’ll use one of them to sell a few hundred thousand singles for a fortnight when the show staggers to its bloated, Coke-fuelled end.

But, alas, American Idol’s format means that there has to be a loser each week. And this week it was Lacey Brown, who yesterday had to suffer the indignity of being eliminated first. She already has to suffer the indignity of either looking like a Sharon Osbourne action figure, an emo Anne Robinson or a drunk divorcee version of Connie Fisher, though, so at least she was already used to the bitter sting of failure.

Lacey Brown got the boot from American Idol because of her rendition of Ruby Tuesday – delivered in an gratingly cutesy way that made it sound as if a kitten had somehow got lodged in her throat and was screaming for help. However, Lacey Brown shouldn’t feel bad for a couple of reasons. First, leaving American Idol doesn’t spell the end of her singing career, as she told Ryan Seacrest after her elimination:

“I’m not going to stop singing for my fans because I love to do this. I am excited for the future.”

So she’ll be singing at least until she realises that she hasn’t actually got any fans. These will be the most exciting three hours of her life, we’re sure.

Second, Lacey Brown didn’t try to perform an acoustic reggae version of Under My Thumb like Tim Urban – henceforth known as That Idiot Tim Urban – did. That Idiot Tim Urban’s jauntily acoustic reggae version of Under My Thumb - possibly one of the most misogynistic songs ever written – was quite possibly the most staggeringly awful thing we’ve ever, ever heard at any point in our entire life. Words genuinely can’t describe how bewilderingly terrible it was. Luckily, a YouTube video can. Brace yourselves. We really mean that…

Hang on a minute… a perplexingly ill-advised misreading of a beloved song? A silly haircut? A fanbase that doesn’t quite realise how terrible he is? Jesus christ, That Idiot Tim Usher is the new Adam Lambert, isn’t he? Bugger.

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