Despite the fact that Amanda Holden should technically be reclassified as an android after the mixture of human tissue to plastic, polymers, artificial tear ducts and assorted car engine parts ?dipped below 50% in 2010, the Britain?s Got Talent judge has announced that she is six months pregnant.
More than this, because she is so far gone, she as revealed that it is a *spoiler alert* human baby that she's planning to give birth to.
Oh, and it's apparently a boy. Or, conceivably, a very convincing example of a synchronous hermaphrodite, which will surely brighten up the birth no end.
The arrival of a baby is always a joyful occurrence in a couple?s life ? not that we need reminding at this time of year of course, Alastair Cook?s birthday on the 25th of December was heralded with as much excitement and gusto in my house as anywhere in the land, but unfortunately, it?doesn’t?look like this announcement will be heralded with as much joy as that anniversary.
Not because the parents aren't all happy and all, but that it seems as though despite the fact that she is as the stage where most pregnant mothers to be need to take several deeps breaths from climbing stairs and need to piss with the regularity of an elderly man who has had a lifetime of being punched in the kidneys for fun and profit, she is still fulfilling her duties on Britain?s Got Talent and in the Shrek musical. Now Magazine over excited itself and bellowed:
The Britain’s Got Talent judge, 39, who is married to Chris Hughes, has only 3 months to go before her new baby arrives. ‘Just to let you know. I am 6 months pregnant with a baby boy!! Have had to keep it quiet until now! I’m still doing BGT and Shrek The Musical!!!’ she announced on Twitter.
So there's no let up for fans of eerily blank faced, expressionless robots, who despite being technically ?human? still manage to cross over into the ?uncanny valley? like Tom Hanks in that animated film about a magic train that never got stuck in the snow (we’re guessing it was something like that as we don't have money to splash out on dire looking Christmas films. Not when we've found out that we can get pretty much Danny Dyer?s entire back catalogue through pay-per-view cable that is).
So we still get to see the bizarre sight of what is effectively a shop window dummy weeping at every available occasion as a succession of deluded pub drunks parade their increasingly barrel scraping talents in front of her.
Having said that, it's probably the fact that she has had all that Botox that has meant that she has been able to keep working for six months into a pregnancy without anyone noticing that she has a bun in the oven. All that Botox probably means that it's not only her face that it stationary, but her entire lower body, which means that the poor little chap is trapped in something like a fleshy version of a Japanese capsule hotel.
On the plus side though, at the actual birth, it'll be like watching someone trying to squash a child?s head though a kitchen spaghetti measurer.
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Emma says
I think this was really mean.
And the reason she kept her pregnancy a secret from everyone besides her husband was because she suffered a miscarriage the year before and she didn’t want the press to know she was pregnant, in case it happened again.
Unfortunately, it DID happen again! Her son was a stillborn.