My friends, you are in the middle of a good, old-fashioned Hollywood meltdown. Amanda Bynes is quickly going crazy, and unlike the Lindsay Lohans, Mel Gibsons or Mariah Careys of our time, she’s not even bothering to do much about it. She’s just going with straight up denial. And I feel like people aren’t appreciating the glory of this meltdown enough. We haven’t seen one this good since Charlie Sheen.
It’s been a hell of a week for Bynes. She’s had her license suspended, her car impounded and, even more embarrassingly, she’s been criticized by Lindsay fucking Lohan. When Lindsay Lohan is calling your bullshit, you got problems. Some of the latest news: Bynes has (allegedly) crashed a Hollywood gym class, wandering aimlessly through the studio before taking off her top for no apparent reason. Then, she talked to People magazine, asserting: “I am doing amazing.”
It’s as if Amanda Bynes has no idea what is happening to Amanda Bynes.
In fact, this whole thing is so grand, she’s done more crazy shit as I’m writing this. I can’t even finish a paragraph! Apparently, last night, Amanda Bynes scared off the paparazzi.
A paparazzo–uh, excuse me, celebrity photojournalist–began taking pictures of Bynes as she was taking a stroll in West Hollywood, and Amanda asked to see the pictures. “Amanda, let go of my camera, you’re breaking my camera,” the photog says in the video. She then begs him to delete unflattering footage, saying, “I need to look beautiful.” “Let’s get along,” she says, “I like your shirt.” She then hounds him until he starts running down the street. It’s pretty amazing.
These paparazzi are relentless; celebs go out of their minds to get them to go away. Turns out, all it takes is Amanda Bynes. Check out the video here.
Earlier this week, People reported her as saying:
“I am retired as an actor. I am moving to New York to launch my career. I am going to do a fashion line,” added Bynes, who was polite, respectful and upbeat on the phone. “I am not talking about being arrested for DUI because I don’t drink, and I don’t drink and drive. It is all false.”
When celebs are losing it, the first rule is: shut the fuck up. Do not talk to the press; do not attempt to do damage control on your own. Let your publicists do the talking. But when a celeb has really lost it, they just plain don’t give a shit anymore. And expecting to erase the facts via straight up denial is pretty awesomely crazy.
TMZ originally reported Bynes’ recent gym incident. Here are the amusing details:
“Gym sources tell us, Amanda was attending a 50-minute spin class at Equinox when she suddenly stopped participating in the class and aimlessly walked around looking to switch bikes. Once Amanda found a replacement — closer to the room’s giant mirror — we’re told Amanda started cycling again, but removed her top, revealing a tiny black strapless push up bra … not a sports bra. Roughly 25 minutes into the class, we’re told Amanda stopped cycling again — this time to pick up her Louis Vuitton purse … and reapply her makeup. According to sources, the actress was doing her makeup — lipstick, eyeliner, the whole shebang — for ten full minutes before the instructor grew furious and told her to get out, claiming he couldn’t BELIEVE someone was doing makeup in the middle of his spin class.”
Not even Lindsay Lohan is this erratic! The Lindsay/Amanda comparisons are erroneous in that Lindsay actually seems to be concerned about her image. At least enough to have a publicist. Amanda seems to be blissfully descending into insanity without doing much PR-advised damage control. And, aside from the whole substance abuse thing, I commend her for that.
In fact, a source told Radar Online:
“Amanda’s completely gone off the grid. She won’t speak with her manager, her agent, her publicist; she’s not returning anybody’s phone calls.”
Some of my favorite celebrity meltdowns include: Brian Wilson, Marlon Brando and, for a few months, Britney Spears. What did these all have in common? The subjects did not give a fuck. They were embracing their downward spiral full-force, doing little to adjust the public’s perceptions.
And now, we can add Amanda Bynes to that list. Anyone who gives a shit what the public thinks would not Tweet the following:
“Let’s talk about hair capes and different ways you can show someone you like their hair cape.”
“i want a husband”
“those are my thoughts on jeans”
There’s nothing quite as entertaining as a good celebrity meltdown. And sure, I realize substance abuse is a serious issue, but really, Amanda Bynes will be fine. Marlon Brando was okay, Britney bounced back, and Brian Wilson is…well, he’s alive.
This whole thing is so erratic, in fact, that I’m almost inclined to believe it’s a hoax. Maye she’s pulling a Joaqiun Phoenix? If so, that’s pretty lame, because we all know what became of that. But if this shit is really happening, we’re witnessing one hell of a meltdown.