All Crying, Self-Harming Emo Children To Be Banned In Mother Russia

Being a child is really annoying isn’t it? You’re not quite old enough to go out and enter the big wide world.

Instead, mummy still plops you in the shopping trolley at Asda, gives you a bib at feeding time and still tucks you in at night to make sure the monsters don’t attack you.

However, when you reach the age of thirteen/fourteen something magically happens! Young girls and boys develop a mini sense of direction. Granted, they’re only copying what they see on the TV and need their parents to buy all the essential clobber for them, but they are independent, cool and part of a movement. Over the years the most popular fad has been Emo.

Dressing in black and looking like a box of pins has exploded in their faces, they’ve worried councillors, coffin-dodgers and corner shop owners. It’s not just the UK that has this problem, it’s Russia too and, in a strange move, the country wants to ban Emo culture.

Whilst hecklerspray isn’t the most clued-up on historical knowledge, we get the feeling that wanting to wipe out a certain culture sounds similar to something that happened in the 1940s. You know when that bloke Hitler wanted only blond-haired blue-eyed people to rule supreme and for all Jews to perish in dodgy ways?

We’re not suggesting that a mass gassing is on the cards for anyone wearing a My Chemical Romance shirt, but they should at least try to wear a bright pink My Little Pony coat to disguise themselves with.

As the NME reports:

“The legislation was presented last month at a hearing held by the State Durma, where critics claimed that the “negative” emo culture encourages anti-social behaviour and glorifies suicide.”

We’ve listened to a few emo-sounding records and, to be honest, we didn’t feel like jumping off a bridge or licking a plug directly afterwards.

Instead, we just struggled to understand the constant shouting and laughed at some moron gushing out his heart. Aww, he misses his girlfriend, how cute. Always refreshing to see that he went and painted a new tattoo over his arm saying “H8er 4ever fook everyting.”

But if you live in Russia this is soon to be banned, well if Alexander Grishunnin has his way. This is because Emo:

“Is driven by fears that these “dangerous teen trends” encourage depression and suicide.”

Ouch, annoying stuff you must agree. Well, if you’re one of these people who steal others’ souls deep at night. Whilst Russia may be drafting plans to stop people apparently wanting to kill themselves, we all have to remember that the UK may get an import of Russians.

Russian people are pretty much an all right bunch – they bring us vodka to get drunk with. But do we really want depressed youths hanging on our street corners? Of course not, that position has already been filled by Polish people apparently.

Looks like those Russians may have to leave The Black Parade if the law gets passed.


  1. David Bryden says

    How dare those kids imply that there’s anything about Russia that could possibly make anybody unhappy.

  2. says

    WTF is the russian goverment thinking right now????? when i’m sad i listen to MCR to make me happy! i’m a hardcore mcr lover and i’m probably the happiest; least emotional person you’ll ever meet! gosh just like hitler….! MCR SAVES LIVES!!! and ….’we are not a cult we are a f*kin army’ us mcr fans (mostly) arent emo we sorta have our own genre thing.

  3. says

    when i saved the pic of gerard it was originaly (set by the site) under the word *emo* please just change it to gerard or something

  4. [c=]Chazoid! says

    wtf is your problem people if people wanna dress diff let them.You have no right to judge people the way you do!. Yuo people are what cause most suicides because you tease people for fun im mean like what the fuck just because the mcr army is bigger than yours don’t mean you have to go cry bout it and tease us about seriously GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF!
    Mcr is one of the best bands in the world and personaly my favorite. Don’t you people have anything better to do with your lame worthless lives asnd stop fucking dissing gee way because one day all us mcr fans are gunna get sick of it an start a FUCKING RIOT!!!!!

  5. Soldier says

    I agree with [c=]Chazoid!
    us soldiers should start a fucking riot! Im sick of all these mofo’s who instantly assume the word emo with my chemical romance. What’s so emo about them? So what if they were black? Greenday weres black but no, they couldn’t possibly be emo!
    From now fucking on, whenever someone says “are you emo” im gonna walk straight up to there face and scream “Im a fucking soldier and god damned proud of it!”
    Everyone should! Every so called “emo” that is a diehard fan of my chemical romance should shout out at the top of their lungs “Im a fucking soldier” everytime you are labelled!

  6. says

    your sick the ”Looks like those Russians may have to leave The Black Parade if the law gets passed.” the black parade and mychemical used as if they are if i knew were you are then……………. well if you keep saying bad things about mcr then you really dont know whats going to happen do you cuz im telling you mcr are NOT EMO and just wait just wait and youlll know about it .