All Crying, Self-Harming Emo Children To Be Banned In Mother Russia

Being a child is really annoying isn’t it? You’re not quite old enough to go out and enter the big wide world.

Instead, mummy still plops you in the shopping trolley at Asda, gives you a bib at feeding time and still tucks you in at night to make sure the monsters don’t attack you.

However, when you reach the age of thirteen/fourteen something magically happens! Young girls and boys develop a mini sense of direction. Granted, they’re only copying what they see on the TV and need their parents to buy all the essential clobber for them, but they are independent, cool and part of a movement. Over the years the most popular fad has been Emo.

Dressing in black and looking like a box of pins has exploded in their faces, they’ve worried councillors, coffin-dodgers and corner shop owners. It’s not just the UK that has this problem, it’s Russia too and, in a strange move, the country wants to ban Emo culture.

Whilst hecklerspray isn’t the most clued-up on historical knowledge, we get the feeling that wanting to wipe out a certain culture sounds similar to something that happened in the 1940s. You know when that bloke Hitler wanted only blond-haired blue-eyed people to rule supreme and for all Jews to perish in dodgy ways?

We’re not suggesting that a mass gassing is on the cards for anyone wearing a My Chemical Romance shirt, but they should at least try to wear a bright pink My Little Pony coat to disguise themselves with.

As the NME reports:

“The legislation was presented last month at a hearing held by the State Durma, where critics claimed that the “negative” emo culture encourages anti-social behaviour and glorifies suicide.”

We’ve listened to a few emo-sounding records and, to be honest, we didn’t feel like jumping off a bridge or licking a plug directly afterwards.

Instead, we just struggled to understand the constant shouting and laughed at some moron gushing out his heart. Aww, he misses his girlfriend, how cute. Always refreshing to see that he went and painted a new tattoo over his arm saying “H8er 4ever fook everyting.”

But if you live in Russia this is soon to be banned, well if Alexander Grishunnin has his way. This is because Emo:

“Is driven by fears that these “dangerous teen trends” encourage depression and suicide.”

Ouch, annoying stuff you must agree. Well, if you’re one of these people who steal others’ souls deep at night. Whilst Russia may be drafting plans to stop people apparently wanting to kill themselves, we all have to remember that the UK may get an import of Russians.

Russian people are pretty much an all right bunch - they bring us vodka to get drunk with. But do we really want depressed youths hanging on our street corners? Of course not, that position has already been filled by Polish people apparently.

Looks like those Russians may have to leave The Black Parade if the law gets passed.