Lindsay Lohan only learns by being punished. Would Lindsay Lohan have gone to rehab if she hadn’t got arrested all the time? No.
Sadly, this is something that needs to be explained to the owner of a New York bar and nightclub. Although Lindsay Lohan is being sued by a student who claims Lindsay stole her $11,000 fur coat from someone else’s bar, John JE Englebert has decided to not only pay the lawsuit settlement on Lindsay Lohan’s behalf, but to also buy her a fur coat identical to the one she allegedly stole.
There’s a cavaet to this deal, though – if Lindsay Lohan accepts his offer, she has to give up this silly ‘recovery’ business of hers. Without Lindsay Lohan’s prodigious alcoholism to buoy his businesses up, he’s had to start farming his children’s internal organs to Russian street gangs just to pay for the sawdust that his family has been reduced to eating these days.
Thank god Lindsay Lohan is back in the news. Really, we mean it. It must have been, what, three or four hours since she last did something collosally stupid and got in the papers for it? That’s far too long in our book.
But Lindsay Lohan is back, and just in the nick of time, too – what with Dina Lohan getting crowed as Mother Of The Year by the Bitter Irony Association Of America and Ali Lohan talking about something to do with bullying, Lindsay Lohan needed to come back and firmly reassert herself as the primary cause of the Lohan family’s woeful dysfunction.
That’s precisely what Lindsay Lohan has done, and all it took was one offensively overpriced sheet of stitched-together dead animal. For the uninitiated: a student named Masha Markova claims that Lindsay Lohan stole her $11,000 fur coat from New York bar 1 Oak, a story that appears to be confirmed by several magazine pictures of Lindsay Lohan leaving the bar wearing an $11,000 fur coat.
Although the coat was returned to her through the bar, Masha Markova nevertheless decided to sue Lindsay Lohan for allegedly taking it in the first place and making it smell like cigarettes and alcohol, presumably by storing it in her mouth. And that’s where we are now – with Lindsay Lohan and Masha Markova locked in a fierce legal battle that’ll hopefully result in joint exile or a nonfatal maiming of some kind.
Except it won’t, and that’s because the owner of 1 Oak’s New York rivals – the Prime nightclub and Suzie Wong Sake Lounge – has stepped in and offered to fix Lindsay Lohan’s problems, out of nothing more than the goodness of his own heart and a freakish compulsion to constantly be the centre of attention. OK! reports:
John JE Englebert, owner of Prime nightclub and Suzi Wong Saki lounge says he’s willing to buy Lindz the same $11,000 blonde mink coat she allegedly stole back in January. “I know what its like to have mistaken identity,” John said in a statement released Wednesday. “Many times people take the wrong coat thinking that it’s theirs at my nightclubs. I am offering to take Lindsay on a mink shopping spree with me, to have the coat of her choice.” He also plans to help settle the lawsuit filed by Columbia student Masha Markova.
Ahhh, so that’s why John JE Englebert is so keen to help Lindsay Lohan out – it’s because he appears to be an obnoxiously creepy man.
But, hey, it seems like a win-win to us. If Lindsay Lohan accepts Englebert’s offer, then Masha Markova gets her money, Englebert gets the publicity for his businesses that he clearly craves and Lindsay Lohan gets let off the hook and receives a brand new fur coat in the process.
And, if she’s really lucky, maybe Englebert will even give her a job bartending at the Suzi Wong Saki Lounge. It’s not like she’s got much else to do these days, is it?
Read more: