Alan Davies is a regular on QI and he's been Jonathan Creek, but from now on – whatever he does – Alan Davies will only be known as the man who bit a tramp on the ear.
It has emerged that after drinks at the Groucho Club last week, Alan Davies flew into a bit of a rage and bit a tramp on the ear. Davies' tramp-biting exercise went on for 13 seconds and left 40-year-old Paul McElfatrick bleeding out of his ear. It's thought that Alan Davies didn't get away with biting the tramp's ear because it was all caught on CCTV, and also because just before he bit the tramp's ear, Alan Davies told him "My name's Alan. You know my name – Alan. What's my name? It's Alan." However, McElfatrick still didn't really recognise Alan Davies until he reticently added "You know, off Jonathan Creek," at which point the tramp went "Oh yeah," allowing the ear-biting session to begin in earnest.
Let's not beat around the bush here – we want what Alan Davies has got. We want the money, we want the fame – but most of all we want to experience the heady thrills of trying to dig a bit of homeless man's chewed-up ear-flesh from the gap between our first and second molars with a toothpick.
Alan Davies has never been much of a hecklerspray target in the past. That's partly because the thing that he's most famous for – Jonathan Creek, a show about a mystery-solving magician who lives in a windmill – hasn't been on TV for a few years, and partly because we feared that if we mentioned Alan Davies on the site we'd effectively be opening the gates for all slightly annoying curly-haired comedians. And that means more Justin Lee-Collins stories. Really, we're doing this to protect you.
Anyway, we've decided to mention Alan Davies just this once because he bit a tramp on the ear last week. See that? Alan Davies didn't 'bite a tramp on the ear'. Alan Davies bit a tramp on the ear. There's CCTV footage of Alan Davies biting a tramp on the ear, which means we don't even need to use inverted commas when we discuss it.
So, now that we've ascertained that Alan Davies angrily bit a tramp on the ear outside the Groucho Club last week until two men pulled him off, what does the tramp whose ear got chomped on think about it? Well, according to Paul McElfatrick:
"I thought he was going to whisper something but his face darkened and he almost spat the words, 'My name's Alan. You know my name – Alan. What's my name? It's Alan'. Then he suddenly went for my left ear. It was incredibly painful. I shrieked and my eyes were watering. He hung on and drew blood. I still can't sleep on that side of my head nearly a week later… You'd think an educated millionaire like him would have more decency."
Meanwhile Alan Davies – who apparently was so drunk that he had to text friends the following morning to see if they knew why his mouth was all tangy with tramp-blood – blames the attack on his emotional state following the funeral of Jonathan Creek producer Verity Lambert. Davies says:
"I remember this guy coming up and wanting to talk. After a while he started getting aggressive. He began calling me the 'C' word and other names. I lost it a bit and we had something of a tussle. My friends pulled us apart. I didn't realise he was homeless… Oh God. I don't mean to laugh but that's funny isn't it? Oh God, what a nightmare."
All this fuss about Alan Davies biting a tramp on the ear is political correctness gone crazy, it really is. What kind of a world do we live in where a drunken man can't even stumble out of his rah-rah Soho private members' club and bite a tramp on the ear until he starts to bleed?
In fact, we're so outraged about all this fuss made about Alan Davies' tramp attack that we're going to start a celebrity vigilante A-Team group to clean up the streets once and for all. We're going to hire Alan Davies to run around attacking tramps, while Jeremy Clarkson can set about all the teenage gangs. We'll draft in Morrissey to take care of the immigrants and let foreign signing Dog The Bounty Hunter handle the non-white issue. Then we can all live together in harmony under our new celebrity totalitarian overlords and all will be right with the world.
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Harry Potter says
So he bit a tramp on the ear until two men *pulled him off*? Why is HS ignoring the blatently homosexual angle to this story? It’s not *just* that he bites the homeless, but he gets his jollies while doing it!
Ban This Sick Filth Now!
Moira says
If Alan Davies does not wish to be conflated with his TV persona, perhaps he should stop living in a windmill and flirting with Caroline Quentin.
amy says
dare i ask what the “c word” is? cockney?
gir says
How do you not know what the “c” word is, you dumb cunt?
Ryan says
Alan Davies takes a chunk out of a tramp? I think thats Quite Interesting, I wonder if it finally got him off minus points
lucy says
i dont care i think alan is realy cute and sexy he can nible on my ear anyday?
Leanne says
Alan is mentioned in the book about the Groucho Club called the Groucho Gate Affair. The book tells of the incident with the tramp and has an even more interesting take on it. More that anyone knows.
http://www.g-book.co.uk is the books website and the Grocuho Club are tyrin to stop publication with a libel action in the High Court against the author Tyrone D Murphy
Jenny says
Alan Davis is a fine looking man!!!! Wow I have the super hots for him, we all do stupid things when we are drunk now let the funny man make funnies and piss off!!!!!!!
Jason says
I can only say that Paul McElfatrick was one of the most annoying people I have ever met. You know how there always seems to be a kid at school who mouths off, makes inappropriate jokes, and gets regularly hit by other kids because he’s what would generally be defined as “a lippy little sod”? Well that was Paul!
Last time I saw him was in Newcastle in about 1985, when he turned up behind me and some other friends in the queue, sat with us in the cinema, and proceeded to wind up the thug in the seats behind us to the point where he was about to be hit. It was only when I commented that he was “not quite right” that the guy sat back down.
Somehow, of all the kids from Brownrigg boarding school, this is the person I would vote most likely to be bitten on the ear by a TV celebrity :)
It’s always fascinating to see what happened to old school friends, but it is a shame to hear that Paul ended up homeless.
Ra says
I care more about how he treats descent people when he is sober than what he does when he is drunk. I really want to like him. The ear thing, I couldn’t be bothered, but I hear he is stuck up, which is more shitty than this story
Paul mc says
Well wee winkie went through the toon hmm what is the truth of the matter let sleeping dogs lie using the c word would that be creek tramp pizza ho ho ho cheers mr sobell as in jason from brownrigg but the truth of the matter hmm