It has emerged that after drinks at the Groucho Club last week, Alan Davies flew into a bit of a rage and bit a tramp on the ear. Davies' tramp-biting exercise went on for 13 seconds and left 40-year-old Paul McElfatrick bleeding out of his ear. It's thought that Alan Davies didn't get away with biting the tramp's ear because it was all caught on CCTV, and also because just before he bit the tramp's ear, Alan Davies told him "My name's Alan. You know my name – Alan. What's my name? It's Alan." However, McElfatrick still didn't really recognise Alan Davies until he reticently added "You know, off Jonathan Creek," at which point the tramp went "Oh yeah," allowing the ear-biting session to begin in earnest.
Let's not beat around the bush here – we want what Alan Davies has got. We want the money, we want the fame – but most of all we want to experience the heady thrills of trying to dig a bit of homeless man's chewed-up ear-flesh from the gap between our first and second molars with a toothpick.
Alan Davies has never been much of a hecklerspray target in the past. That's partly because the thing that he's most famous for – Jonathan Creek, a show about a mystery-solving magician who lives in a windmill – hasn't been on TV for a few years, and partly because we feared that if we mentioned Alan Davies on the site we'd effectively be opening the gates for all slightly annoying curly-haired comedians. And that means more Justin Lee-Collins stories. Really, we're doing this to protect you.
Anyway, we've decided to mention Alan Davies just this once because he bit a tramp on the ear last week. See that? Alan Davies didn't 'bite a tramp on the ear'. Alan Davies bit a tramp on the ear. There's CCTV footage of Alan Davies biting a tramp on the ear, which means we don't even need to use inverted commas when we discuss it.
So, now that we've ascertained that Alan Davies angrily bit a tramp on the ear outside the Groucho Club last week until two men pulled him off, what does the tramp whose ear got chomped on think about it? Well, according to Paul McElfatrick:
"I thought he was going to whisper something but his face darkened and he almost spat the words, 'My name's Alan. You know my name – Alan. What's my name? It's Alan'. Then he suddenly went for my left ear. It was incredibly painful. I shrieked and my eyes were watering. He hung on and drew blood. I still can't sleep on that side of my head nearly a week later… You'd think an educated millionaire like him would have more decency."
Meanwhile Alan Davies – who apparently was so drunk that he had to text friends the following morning to see if they knew why his mouth was all tangy with tramp-blood – blames the attack on his emotional state following the funeral of Jonathan Creek producer Verity Lambert. Davies says:
"I remember this guy coming up and wanting to talk. After a while he started getting aggressive. He began calling me the 'C' word and other names. I lost it a bit and we had something of a tussle. My friends pulled us apart. I didn't realise he was homeless… Oh God. I don't mean to laugh but that's funny isn't it? Oh God, what a nightmare."
All this fuss about Alan Davies biting a tramp on the ear is political correctness gone crazy, it really is. What kind of a world do we live in where a drunken man can't even stumble out of his rah-rah Soho private members' club and bite a tramp on the ear until he starts to bleed?
In fact, we're so outraged about all this fuss made about Alan Davies' tramp attack that we're going to start a celebrity vigilante A-Team group to clean up the streets once and for all. We're going to hire Alan Davies to run around attacking tramps, while Jeremy Clarkson can set about all the teenage gangs. We'll draft in Morrissey to take care of the immigrants and let foreign signing Dog The Bounty Hunter handle the non-white issue. Then we can all live together in harmony under our new celebrity totalitarian overlords and all will be right with the world.