Alan Carr To Write Book For Some Reason

Anyone in Britain feel the earthquake the other day?

If you did, you'll no doubt recollect that initial moment of uncertainty - the momentary panic that set in as you wondered what the hell was going on, then the relief as it faded away and you realised everything was going to be okay.

The thing is, imagine if that fear never went away. Imagine if that paranoia lingered. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how every famous writer in the world must feel today.

That's right. Amis, Ballard, Rushdie - you name 'em, they're quivering in terror. Why? Because some major league new literary competition is in town, that's why.

TV 'comedy' 'personality' Alan Carr is going to write a book.

After the glorious success of My Booky Wook, the brainchild of twatty-wat Russell Brand (who tried to promote it with a cringeworthy appearance on Have I Got News For You, and seemed surprised when the audience didn't leap up and applaud him simply because he knew who Anthony Burgess was), a fellow Most Annoying Man In Television contender has stepped into the arena of the written word.

What, then, will the host of the Friday Night Project bring to the medium? Will he embrace the multiple nuances of the language, teasing out depth-laden wordplay with the rapier-like swish of a Byron or Shelley? Will he focus his critical gaze on the modern world, siphoning our present reality through a filter of disquieting wit with the panache of a DeLillo or Houllebecq? Will he carefully craft close-to-the-bone, beautifully-handled literary set-pieces with the style and verve of TC Boyle or Donna Tartt?

Or will he possibly - juuuust possibly - scribble out a load of self-indulgent twaddle over the course of a couple of afternoons, before a publishing house shits it out in time for the Christmas market, all the while rubbing their hands in glee as the tawdry volume is snapped up by idiot housewives trying to forget the menopause the nation over?

According to Alan himself:

"I'm so excited to be putting my life down on paper - from the grimness of working on data entry to the dizzy heights of performing at the Royal Variety Performance. My life's been like a log flume, up and down with a couple of damp patches in the middle."

To which comedy partner Justin Lee Collins replied:

"Damp patches? Ha ha! Do you see? He means semen! Do you get it? Do you? Do you? Do you? Anyone remember spangles? Or BMX choppers? Or Super Mario? Or the last time I was able to look in a mirror and detect anything resembling a soul behind my tired pointless eyes? Eh? Eh?"

Oh, for the day when hecklerspray is elected Galactic President, and the following two laws are passed:

a) No-one under the age of fifty should even consider writing an autobiography

b) Anyone involved in the Friday Night Project shall be fired into the Sun with immediate effect.

We'll be passing round the ballot box soon.

Read More:

Carr gets life story deal - The Sun