Akon Not No Thug, Probably Even Scared Of Wee Girls
The way hecklerspray got so bad-A is by enduring hard times. For instance, in grade school we often got homework on the weekends. Also our Mom’s favorite cat never once let us cuddle it in our lap.
Now, as revenge, we stand over where Mr Whiskers is buried in the backyard and shoot bullets into the ground. We seem to do that at least monthly. In a way it’s kind of like we finally get to scratch his belly.
The reason we do things like that is because we’re hard, tough, and often find ourselves relating quite well to people who have street-cred on TV. You knew that though, right? We rap about it all the time. It’s how we vent our sour memories.
We’re just like Akon that way. He vents too – about the hard times. Except The Smoking Gun looked into it recently and found he lied and he’s probably actually a non-criminal masterminded wuss.
There’s a growing problem in the ghetto today. It’s not so much illiteracy, babies having babies or the current epidemic of nobody being able to hang on to their Wii for more than a week, rather the problem is there simply aren’t any heroes to look up to anymore.
Think about it – Diddy’s never been implicated in ever having killed anybody, Jay-Z’s going to spend his summer with rich British gentlemen-musicians and the boy-tossing Akon is only a fraction as hard as he claims to be over loud thumping rhythms. Rap has become all too safe. What do you expect from music first conceived by the United States government?
That Akon bit may be coming as a surprise to some of you – it’s because that news is only breaking now. You see, his lyrics have relied substantially on his tough guy resume. For years now he’s been finding rhymes about being in prison for 4 ½ years, running a Nicholas Cage-ish auto theft ring and contributing at least 15% of his chop shop money to a Roth IRA.
Thing is, it was all lies. As The Smoking Gun discovered:
“Akon has overdubbed his [lyrical] biography with the kind of grit and menace that he apparently believes music consumers desire from their hip-hop stars. While the performer’s rap sheet does include a half-dozen arrests, Akon has only been convicted of one felony, for gun possession. That 1998 New Jersey case ended with a guilty plea, for which the singer was sentenced to three years probation. Another 1998 bust, this one in suburban Atlanta, has been seized upon by Akon and transformed into the big case that purportedly sent him to prison (thanks to his snitching cohorts) for three fight-filled years. In reality, Akon was arrested for possession of a single stolen BMW and held in the DeKalb County jail for several months before prosecutors dropped all charges against him.â€
It gets worse. Apparently he also used to be a boy scout, and he was in his country’s Army, although technically those are the same thing where he’s from. He respects his elders to the point of gingerly lifting the fat rolls on his Grand Mammy’s back so he can help her wash underneath them. There isn’t a thug-bone in that man’s body. This paragraph is entirely fiction, except for the boy scout/army thing. He used to sell cookies behind enemy sandbags. It got him his Grand Raven rank. That’s what they call it in Senegal. It’s second from the boy scout-top. His Momma was so proud. Wait, no. That’s fiction too.
We just can’t seem to stop.
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