Amazing scenes. Truly amazing scenes. What? You didn’t know that Kim Kardashian had finally put the flourishing touches on her sham of a relationship with hoop botherer Kris Humphries by actually marrying him at a ‘bash’ that was invariably ‘lavish’?
Have you been living in some kind of ‘I’ve got better things to do, sorry’ bubble? Sickening.
Anyway, now they’re married, we’d like to give the heads-up about stories you can look out for on these esteemed pages. Kardashian is a woman who, like Joni Mitchell, has made a career out of oversharing about her every bowel movement, personal thought and whim.
Now that Kardashian has actually got married, she can stop feeling like a princess, at the centre of everyone’s attention now. Right? Wrong. See, this fleeting grace will be replaced with a feeling of ‘you’ve had your moment, now bugger off because we’ve got stuff to be getting on with, okay? It’s not like you’re massively rich anyway’.
This naturally won’t go down well with Kimmy Kim Kim Jong Il.
So how will she go about staying in the public’s crosshairs? By creating a maelstrom where there is none.
First, we’ll get the wedding pictures of Kim in her Vera Wang (ha, wang) dress and the inevitable shots of the various deadbeat celebrities that attended her reception. We’ll no doubt see some Rothschild with a creosote tan holding a glass of champagne, and maybe Hulk Hogan’s daughter getting off with herself over a picture of her own father.
Then, the next step is that we’ll get to see the newlyweds on their honeymoon. It’ll be all sunsets, cocktails, diamond encrusted flip-flops and simmering resentment.
After this wedded circus is over, it’ll be down to business again, which means that a troupe of ‘sources’ will parade themselves saying ‘all is not well in paradise’, and that ‘their marriage is on the rocks’. This will allow us plebians to cry into our Pasta N Sauce (eaten dry from the packet) about the trials and tribulations of the heart. It can even hit those special people we’ve put on a glittering pedestal, wallowing with sorrow into their goose-feather toilet roll.
Then, of course, an old flame of one of the couple (probably Kardashian) will try to release yet another sex-tape of the celebutante to the world, which onanists will show brief interest in, before going back to fiddling with themselves over images of younger, more desperate starlets.
Kris meanwhile will no doubt get snapped walking or eating with ‘a mystery brunette’. It’s always the brunettes because they’re deemed smarter than blondes, and therefore, more conniving. Kim will be shown to be ‘furious’ by an anonymous source over ‘inappropriate texts’ sent by her ball bothering husband.
They’ll go on holiday in an attempt to ‘make things work’.
And lastly. Kris will reveal himself to be a murderous bipolar sort and will strangle Kardashian in her sleep, leaving Kim’s sisters to hold a moving candlelit vigil in some glamorous public space, while intentionally nipple slipping for the whirring MTV cameras who are capturing everything for the reality series, ‘Killing With The Kardashians’.
Just you watch.
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David says
The writer nailed it–this crap is as predictable as the sun coming up in the morning–you probably could have thrown in that Kim will have some type of breakdown in the near future and will receive mental health treatment–after which will follow the stories in the supermarket rags of her re-emerging–stronger and more confidant than ever. Do we need any other proof that America has become a nation of idiots than by the fact of our making the Kardashians rich and famous?
E says
First White Trash Couple of America. Jerry Springer should have been there. Compare to Kim every girl feels pure .