‘Adult’ Hollyoaks Coming Soon!

Hollyoaks (DVDs). Responsible for half the cast of Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps, that boring bloke that used to go out with the S Club 7 (CDs) girl and a man called Bombhead.

It’s apparently "Britain’s most watched teenage drama serial", and the only place in the whole world where every single girl looks exactly the same. It’s like there’s a huge blonde woman covered in fake tan backstage, constantly pumping fully-formed Hollyoaks actresses out through her uterus.

Before, when these actresses grew up, they were mostly melted down for glue. Now the makers of the show are giving them something more constructive to do - like starring in a late-night Hollyoaks spinoff series.

We know what you’re thinking. Haven’t there been late-night Hollyoaks spinoffs before? Well, yes there have. And what fun they were. If your idea of fun is watching a young man get painfully and graphically raped over a car bonnet by a group of his peers.

So how will they top this for the new series? Zoophilia? Dysmorphophilia? Vaginal dentata? An entire episode shot completely in slow motion featuring a cloaked man removing all the casts’ colons with an electric handheld blender?

Sadly not. It seems that the makers are aiming for something a little more sophisticated this time around. The 12-episode, 60-minute series is to be exclusively screened on E4, and will feature two of the established Hollyoaks cast fending for themselves in Chester.

Phil Redmond, the creator of the show promises that the spinoff will look at "the second rites of passage – first job, first mortgage, first marriage – and more experienced sex!". He’s hoping that it will relect the older viewers’ lives more than the current 6.30pm show does.

The show is still in the scripting stage, so it’s unclear just how stomach-churning the new series will be. We can all find out when it’s broadcast in the Autumn.

[story by Stuart Heritage]