Oh God. Adam Lambert, you’re a disgrace. A disgusting disgrace and a total affront to humanity. You make us ill.
How could you, Adam Lambert? How could you – we can barely bring ourselves to say this – dance in the same club as Ryan Phillippe‘s stupid face? We don’t mind you dancing in the same club as Ryan Phillippe behind closed doors, but going out and rubbing our noses in the fact that you enjoy dancing in the same club as Ryan Phillippe? Ugh, Adam Lambert. Ugh.
Incidentally, Adam Lambert was there dancing with a man. Apparently he’s gay or something.
We think we’ve got it. We think we know why Adam Lambert was such a sensation on American Idol. It’s because he was the first contestant for years to have any kind of mystique. Usually American Idol contestants fall over themselves to reveal every single vaguely tragic episode that’s ever happened to in a hapless bid to inspire pity in the viewers, but not Adam Lambert. Adam Lambert liked to keep things secret.
Chief among the secrets was the issue of Adam Lambert’s sexuality. Was Adam Lambert straight or gay? The answer, clearly, was ‘Who cares? And why am I watching this rubbish, anyway? I think it’s giving me a stroke’ – but the subtle clues were there if you wanted to look hard enough. The clues included Adam Lambert’s love of flamboyance, his unabashed ability to freely emote, the internet pictures of him kissing men, the fact that he’s actually got a boyfriend and the way that an American Idol judge has openly admitted that Adam Lambert is gay.
He’s a mystery wrapped in an enigma in a conundrum bag, that Adam Lambert.We’ll never get to the bottom of him.
And on Monday night, as Adam Lambert was photographed flirtatiously holding the hand of a male interior designer by the name of Drake LaBry on the way to a Hollywood nightclub, the mystery deepened even further. Is Adam Lambert gay? The truth is we just don’t know. MTV reports:
The photos of Lambert and LaBry holding hands as they left the club lit up the Internet on Tuesday, and one unnamed onlooker said the pair were “dancing very closely together, very flirtatious inside”. Ryan Phillippe and girlfriend actress Abbie Cornish were also reportedly smooching in a booth near Lambert and LaBry. Another anonymous gawker told the magazine, “It was cute to see two couples — one gay and one straight — acting the same and nobody caring!”
Damn it Adam Lambert, why do you insist on being so sexually ambiguous? Yes, you were holding hands with an interior designer called Drake LaBry and dancing closely with him in a club, but that doesn’t prove anything. Drake LaBry is about as butch a name as you could ever wish to hear, and interior designing is the exclusive pursuit of the relentlessly masculine. And Adam Lambert might have been holding his hand because Hollywood is a big place and he didn’t want Drake to wander off and get lost.
And maybe Adam Lambert was dancing so close to Drake because Drake suffers from a rare kind of agoraphobia that makes him terrified if he’s not sharing constant over-the-jeans genital-to-buttock contact with another person. See? This mystery is so deep we couldn’t hope to ever penetrate it.
When will you give us the conclusive answer we deserve, Adam Lambert? And by ‘conclusive proof’ we mean ‘internet video of it going in’. WHEN?
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Please people he was being sarcastic!!!!! He was just pointing out how obvious it is that Adam is gay so why all the crap about it???? Lighten up….Adam would probably laugh at this story!
Way too funny, Adam would be the first one to burst out laughing. Thanks for putting the whole contraversy in perspective for us. OMG big news flash…..are you ready….here it goes…..Adam Lambert is gay and he’s just living his life like everyone else….Rock on Adam.
Hahaha…..a billion laughs for your article!!! Adam rocks! I cant wait to see his video and watch him perform his songs….I miss him sooo much!
Adam hasnt done anything wrong, people….love him and cant wait to buy his albums…Go Adam..
I still cant believe that we have a singer like Adam in our midst. I hope he comes out with his album and some videos soon.
Im a HUGE ADAM FAN’S;
Hey! hey! Adam…no MATTER’S we all LOVE YOU!!!! We love you for your sincerity and most for your talent with the AMAZING voice you have….
Adam’S Rock!!!! xoxoxoxoxo
Yes, the article is funny, but to someone who is intelligent and understands the irony and satire. Unfortunately, there are a lot of nuts out there who voted for Kris or lambast Adam on the internet because of unreasonable hatred towards Adam, and I fear that these types of articles could fan that fire. I remember seeing someone quoting the Spoof article on Robert Plant and Led Zeppelin re: Adam as TRUTH, which is wasn’t. We have to be careful, seriously. If anyone has perused the internet lately, there are some Adam bashers out there that scare me, and Adam fans need to be his supporters in every way, even when making fun of the media because some will take it the wrong way.
That was one of the dumbest articles I have ever read! Get real.
im jealous! we are all just blue ’cause we won’t get our tuesday Adam fix anymore.. and have to shoot up any photo of him available! love the article. I too think Adam will chuckle.
LOL. At least ONE journalist/blogger GETS IT!… (and Adam’s true genius). Very funny!
I mean, evidently Americans want stuff to be put in bold, italic 124 point type, and preferably spelled out in actual letters, each said aloud… because that thing about pictures being worth a thousand words evidently doesn’t work in certain situations!
Loved your comment!!
…denial is not a river in Egypt
Brilliant satire. Love it and Adam. He’s brilliant, talented, and living life on his own terms. We should all be so amazinglyl brave.
This is awesome. You officially win at life. I am shaking with laughter across the pond here.
WHERE IS THAT INTERNET VIDEO ADAM?! JEEZE GET WITH THE PROGRAM ALREADY <3
I wouldn’t dance in the same club as Ryan Phillippe. In every single photo of the guy, he looks like he wants to punch the whole world in the neck. Best to keep your distance, is my advice.
Now that was funny and right on the money. We do want our Adam fix but we certainly aren’t fixated on whether he is gay or not. How many ways does the guy have to announce he is gay and how many times before the media will start focusing on what’s important. How damn talented he is!!
Ha ha…great article and it gave me a good laugh to start my day. Well, to the ones who did not get your humour…oh well. BTW Kara was right, Adam was never in the closet, he was there showing all his glory for the world to see all along and to force him to admit it that he is gay is plain wrong!!!!
That was hilarious. Thanks for bringing sarcastic relief to the masses. And yet we’ll probably keep seeing “not out yet” headlines until the ‘internet video of it going in’ comes out. LOL.
You, sir, win at the internets.
Very funny. What’s with all of the dumbs lacking basic reading comprehension skills, though?
Ah! Finally some article pointing to the obvious with spunk. What’s with the denial out there? Mind you, I wouldn’t mind a video of him going at it, just to make sure
Wish Drake were better looking – he looked like an annoyed housewife in the pictures. You’d think he’d join in Adam’s happiness at his new career instead of looking so petulant. Do pictures lie? Hope so.
How frigging rude. All the media wants to do is focus on things that are none of public’s business. Let him be himself. It may be a joke or some such, but PLEASE! He was in a singing contest, not a “what am I” contest. He owes you nothing, and you owe him an apology for being a jackass!
You obviously didn’t get the sarcasm…
Funny! Funny! Funny! But please. Even a totally explicit caught-in-the-act video won’t be enough to settle the controversy. Frankly, I’m beginning to suspect the only way it will soak in is if he tatoos “Of course I’m gay, you idiots,” on his forehead.
Funny Article… agree it’s Only the Media who cares about Adam saying out-loud his sexual preference. I wish he would Not say it, just to mess with them! The rest of us Don’t Care. He’s an incredible singer, with an incredible voice, the kind that only comes along every 10 or 20 years. We’re Lucky he’s allowing us in his world. Thank You Adam! Stay who you are and keep the gossip mongers guessing… they deserve it if they’re That obssessed and ignorant!
Toooooo funny! I’m waiting for that video, too! (I wore out my discs of QAF and need some new hotness to light up my life
lol, “And Adam Lambert might have been holding his hand because Hollywood is a big place and he didn’t want Drake to wander off and get lost.” and “This mystery is so deep we couldn’t hope to ever penetrate it.”
Another mystery – Why hasn’t Ryan Phillippe come flying out of the closet already?
That was hilarious and spot-on! Seriously, the way the media (and I guess some of the public) are insisting that Adam’s sexuality is a mystery is remarkable. And the fact that they are treating it as if he owes everyone “the answer” is ridiculous. This article is a great way to stick up for Adam!
He likes the same places as Ryan Phillippe? Now I wish Kris had won…oh, wait a sec.
Really, I can’t the guy. He needed to be born about twenty years earlier so he could start a “queen” or some other theatrical music group. The guy belongs in that kind of a band or on stage, where he should have stayed. He is SO annoying. The fact that he is gay or bisexual? Who gives a hoot. He has a right to be whatever the heck he wants to be. And him being gay has nothing to do with why people like me do not like him.
We always gonna be in denial,even if Adam spells it out loud,some of us gonna say–this is a strategic move to get more attention–or something insane nonsense like that,…. Adam….beware of the stalkers perception!!Your boy is a beauty ,but he has to learn to shake off the dirt like you do!You’re still a mischievous hotness ,make me so happy to see your love for life!(Adamgasm….. seriously!)
Brilliant piece of satire! Loved it and love Adam. I agree -I hope he doesn’t say a word about his sexual preferences. Why does anyone have to “come out” – give me a break. I think part of his art is being in your face and yet subtle at the same time – meaning he sang songs that if you were savvy enough you could pick up on the double entente. I am guessing for him it not an issue and he figures people are savvy enough to figure it out without him having to announce it. I hope he reads this and laughs at your piece as hard as I did. Fabulous!
Very funny. Your sarcasm is brilliant.
That was hysterical! I’m crying!! LOL. I love Adam and hope he’s happy..that’s all. And I love what someone else said about his ability to be in your face and subtle at the same time. Brilliant just like the planet he comes from. Live your life baby and get us some new music soon!!
A writer with a sense of humor about this non-issue. You should get an exclusive Adam interview!! Hilarious
Very funny…..
It’s not that people still don’t know if Adam is gay. It’s just people don’t want to accept it. Most of his female fans who are obsessed with his sexiness are in denial that they need to hear it from his mouth to be completely sure. After these pictures the only hope left for girls like us is to hope that he might be a bi. He can be bi unless he says he is gay. LOL
LOVE YOU ADAM NO MATTER WHAT!!!!! Your talent made many people fall in love with you.
Yeah, his bf looks unhappy, maybe cause he is not used to being under spotlights or he is actually jealous of his own bf, who knows, I hope he lightens up…
OH WOW OH WAAAAA WOW WOW. Drake is cool in a hot way. I’m happy for Adam.
I LOVE DRADAM and this is coming from me – a gal who do not like gays. But because of Adam, taking an interest in this subject.
No matter what – I will follow ADam. OUr country is NOT AFFECTED by anything that is said about Adam. We love his songs, his music, his talent and his personality. That is all that matters.
But I do care also. Adam will never know who I am, but I am jealous of Drake. But happy also because I would rather it be Drake than another gal. Gosh, why am I so confused? So Girls dream on…….dream on…..like me….drooling now.
Adam, cherish your talent. We are waiting and there is a fan club here organised for you already. REMEMBER SINGAPORE – YOU MUST COME HERE. WE LOVE YOU. Even foreign workers working here.
Who give a freak about your article. Are you jealous? Get a freaking life. What do you think Adam, did that, cuz he knows he is being followed by the paparazzi. Why not give you guys more to talk about him? It works isn’t it? The more you can talk about is nothing but Adam orientation, which nobody give a damn about it. Are we supposed to be shocked to all this?
I am shock how the media react to this nonsense and luv reporting it. Adam’s fans luv him no matter what. Is the music is what interest us about Adam. And the new album that Adam is going to make, and we can hardly wait. We are also waiting for Adam to go on his own concerts. I think Adam concerts will be a BLAST! Adam is a celebrity and still need a respective privacy to all the media out there.
Stuart, you are one dirty birdie! You must know you are feeding the Frauen with the belief Adam was just helping his out of town guest from wandering off and getting lost in such a big place. (lol) Enjoy yourself while it lasts. I know I wiil. Thanks for another perspective.
Hahahahahhahaha, that was hilarious.
Has someone actually not gotten the irony…?.
Anyway, amazing how some people just want to believe he is not gay and keep sayin “that doesn’t prove anything”. I’m sure that even if there was a video of him having sex with a man they’d say the same.
Anyway, brilliant article.
lmao! I’m a hard-core Adam fan, and I think this is HILARIOUS!! and I agree with another poster — Adam would bust out laughing at this!
funny article, sexy couple.
“Drake LaBry is about as butch a name as you could ever wish to hear, and interior designing is the exclusive pursuit of the relentlessly masculine. And Adam Lambert might have been holding his hand because Hollywood is a big place and he didn’t want Drake to wander off and get lost.”
LOL!!!! I love Adam. Thanks for this, made me laugh.
What a bitter article! The way the writer wrote can be compared to a fired machine gun for several minutes and then it was suddenly stopped without hitting even a single target! Ugh!
The bottom line: Adam’s personal life is none of our business!
I think Adam would crack up at this, it’s funny – I just want so much for him to be happy. Keep him warm Drake, or I will haha (and isn’t it awesome that nobody knows if I’m male or female saying that? Do you get yet that it doesn’t matter?) Adam’s message is love.
I think Adam has taken the right approach to the “media bullying” with his “in your face just living my life actions” and subtle “keep on speculating words” words. In other words, “I have nothing to hide” (I’m obviously gay in the same way other people are obviously straight”) and “I’m already out of the closet” and have no intentions of going “into the confessional box”. Keep on rocking Adam – you rock our world with your talent and personality and you must know that your true fans love you just as you are and want you to be happy in all facets of your life!
Is just the title of the article that makes some of the readers think it’s something bad about Adam…I love irony which is not much practiced in US. It’s not nice to people… Which people? The ones that are so nice and fair with Adam? Talking about irony!
LOL! Too funny
And yes, everyone, this IS a joke!
ha ha . this article is made of EPIC win! stuart i might just be in love with you, almost as much as i love adam and his fabulosity…
i read the story about people saying adam is very rude..
i rolled my eyes because when he talkes to people on the
news and things.. he seems like a very nice person? but
then again, i have never met him or talked to him (even
though i wish i did)
If we’re delving into Lambert’s private life, how about some articles on Allen & his wife – like did he enjoy the thong she received as a wedding present? Now, if someone asked Allen about his this, the media would be in an uproar. Who cares about an entertainer’s private life – It’s the singing & performance I want to know about. Hope Adam stays happy & hope he goes on tour (by himself) soon !! I’m suffering from Lambert withdrawal!!!
LOL. It always amuses me when people don’t understand SARCASM, irony and snark. Some of these comments are WTF.
Your hilarious article made ONTD_ai and yes, we like Adam over thee:
http://community.livejournal.com/ontd_ai/249469.html#cutid1
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