Oh God. Adam Lambert, you’re a disgrace. A disgusting disgrace and a total affront to humanity. You make us ill.

How could you, Adam Lambert? How could you – we can barely bring ourselves to say this – dance in the same club as Ryan Phillippe‘s stupid face? We don’t mind you dancing in the same club as Ryan Phillippe behind closed doors, but going out and rubbing our noses in the fact that you enjoy dancing in the same club as Ryan Phillippe? Ugh, Adam Lambert. Ugh.

Incidentally, Adam Lambert was there dancing with a man. Apparently he’s gay or something.

We think we’ve got it. We think we know why Adam Lambert was such a sensation on American Idol. It’s because he was the first contestant for years to have any kind of mystique. Usually American Idol contestants fall over themselves to reveal every single vaguely tragic episode that’s ever happened to in a hapless bid to inspire pity in the viewers, but not Adam Lambert. Adam Lambert liked to keep things secret.

Chief among the secrets was the issue of Adam Lambert’s sexuality. Was Adam Lambert straight or gay? The answer, clearly, was ‘Who cares? And why am I watching this rubbish, anyway? I think it’s giving me a stroke’ – but the subtle clues were there if you wanted to look hard enough. The clues included Adam Lambert’s love of flamboyance, his unabashed ability to freely emote, the internet pictures of him kissing men, the fact that he’s actually got a boyfriend and the way that an American Idol judge has openly admitted that Adam Lambert is gay.

He’s a mystery wrapped in an enigma in a conundrum bag, that Adam Lambert.We’ll never get to the bottom of him.

And on Monday night, as Adam Lambert was photographed flirtatiously holding the hand of a male interior designer by the name of Drake LaBry on the way to a Hollywood nightclub, the mystery deepened even further. Is Adam Lambert gay? The truth is we just don’t know. MTV reports:

The photos of Lambert and LaBry holding hands as they left the club lit up the Internet on Tuesday, and one unnamed onlooker said the pair were “dancing very closely together, very flirtatious inside”. Ryan Phillippe and girlfriend actress Abbie Cornish were also reportedly smooching in a booth near Lambert and LaBry. Another anonymous gawker told the magazine, “It was cute to see two couples — one gay and one straight — acting the same and nobody caring!”

Damn it Adam Lambert, why do you insist on being so sexually ambiguous? Yes, you were holding hands with an interior designer called Drake LaBry and dancing closely with him in a club, but that doesn’t prove anything. Drake LaBry is about as butch a name as you could ever wish to hear, and interior designing is the exclusive pursuit of the relentlessly masculine. And Adam Lambert might have been holding his hand because Hollywood is a big place and he didn’t want Drake to wander off and get lost.

And maybe Adam Lambert was dancing so close to Drake because Drake suffers from a rare kind of agoraphobia that makes him terrified if he’s not sharing constant over-the-jeans genital-to-buttock contact with another person. See? This mystery is so deep we couldn’t hope to ever penetrate it.

When will you give us the conclusive answer we deserve, Adam Lambert? And by ‘conclusive proof’ we mean ‘internet video of it going in’. WHEN?

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