Who actually decided that the A-Team would make a 'crack military unit'?

Seriously – which maniac general sat down one day and figured that the perfect army squad consisted of a schizophrenic, a womaniser, a pensioner and a jewellery-bedecked goliath with a chronic fear of flying? The same guy who masterminded the cray-zee 'Let's Invade Iraq' scenario (a telethon now in its fourth glorious year, CNN fans)?

Maybe we should hunt down one of the cast members and ask him. Not George Peppard - he's dead and everything. And not Mr T - from what little we've seen of him since, he'd probably just try to waffle on about Jesus. And that beardy hippy is everywhere this time of year, don't you find?

How about Dirk Benedict, then? You know – the actor behind Face and other performances that we can't be arsed going to IMDB to look up.

Well, kids: here's the thing. Even if you're not too familiar with Dirky-boy, you will be soon. Why? Because the wrinkly thesp is rumoured to have only gone and signed up for the next series of Celebrity Big Brother (a show that – no matter how much you'll deny it to your mates down the Wittgenstein Discussion Society – you'll be as plebbishly addicted to as Pete Doherty is to making shit music).

Dirk's not the only 'star' who is reported to have scribbled down his John Hancock for Celebrity Big Brother, though. Apparently Baywatch mullet-meister David Hasselhoff is considering hanging about the camera-packed house… for a quite frankly sickening paycheque of £200,000, mind.

Who else? Well, names that are being chucked around include:

- Sarah Harding (idiot blonde Girls Aloud bint, and not the tomboy scientist from Spielberg's rubbish The Lost World)

- John Leslie (naughty almost-accused-of-rapey daytimey presenty bloke)

- Whitney Houston (soul diva now as skeletal as a leper in a wind tunnel) 

- Grace Jones (one-time Bond girl famous for slapping an old man on a chat show once, and nothing else)

- Duncan James ('singer' from Blue)

Don't feel bad about your upcoming TV addiction, folks. We'll be tuning in as well. If only to polish our shotguns and discuss between ourselves who gets to 'take out' Russell Brand first.

And if you're a sneaky party-pooper policeman, then you didn't read that last bit. Okay?

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A-Team Star Joins Celebrity Big Brother – Femalefirst