Marriages come to an end for all sorts of reasons, but one of the biggest is suspecting that your husband's been brainwashed into having sex with a gap-toothed 50-year-old.
And that appears to be the thing that's brought an end to the marriage between Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia. She's just filed for divorce from Alex following claims that he's been involved in a bunch of secret extramarital Kabbalah nooky sessions with Madonna.
Madonna denies any romantic involvement with Alex Rodriguez, but it seems like Cynthia isn't taking the bait. She'll win her man back, that's for sure – she just needs to become the sort of woman that A-Rod likes these days first. Just watch him come running back once she's botoxed her face into total paralysis and had several metres of grotesque artificial vein surgically implanted under the skin of her arms!
As we speak, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are continuing on their hapless 'look, we're still a couple' tour of suitably public spaces – going out to dinner together, praying together, trying to gaze into each other's eyes without vomiting together – but it's fooling nobody. It might be true, but who's going to believe that Madonna's marriage is stable when all the other rumours are so flipping hilarious?
You know the rumours we're talking about – the one where Madonna has been secretly boning Alex Rodriguez after hypnotising him into the sack with the power of Kabbalah, or the one where Cynthia Rodriguez retaliated by thinking "Well, if you can have it off with an old-aged singer who's constantly declining in cultural relevancy, so can I" and ran off to Paris with Lenny Kravitz.
As unlikely as all of that sounds – it's hard to think that anyone, even Madonna, can use an ancient Jewish religious text as a seduction tool – now all kinds of weight has been added to those rumours, because Cynthia Rodriguez has filed for divorce from A-Rod, citing his 'long period of infidelity'.
Or, to put it in a much more amusing way, let's quote Alex Rodriguez's former trainer Dodd Romero:
“Alex, God bless him, is lost. I think he got pulled in by the dark side, if you can say that nicely. He’s totally brainwashed….[Cynthia] believes that is what ruined the marriage.”
You're thinking about Madonna's dark side, aren't you? You're imagining that it's a euphemism for bum sex, aren't you? No? It's just us again? Seriously?
Anyway, news of this divorce looks set to spark off a fiercely-fought battle for the custody of the Rodriguez kids. It'll be a close-run thing, because there's not a court in the land who'd be able to choose between a father who allegedly abandoned his youngest daughter right after she was born for a cosy night in with Madonna and a mother who abandoned her shortly afterwards so she could go on a cosy break to Paris with Lenny Kravitz. They're both clearly brilliant parents.
But we're just presuming that Alex Rodriguez's marriage has crumbled because of a sexual encounter with Madonna. We could be completely wrong – after all, Guy Ritchie can give Madonna so much more than Rodriguez ever could. How can a multimillionaire athlete ever compete with a spuddy-looking bloke who can cast Madonna in a woeful direct-to-DVD romantic comedy movie whenever he likes? Exactly – Guy wins every time.