Hands up who wanted the Alex Rodriguez dissolve into pointless messy public accusations and talk of sordid sex with Madonna – oh, right, you all did.

Well tough luck, because Alex Rodriguez doesn’t care about what you want at all. In fact, Alex Rodriguez hates you so much that rather than drag the divorce from his estranged with Cynthia out for months and months of hateful squabbling, he’s decided to quickly and privately reach a confidential settlement with her instead. The great big tosspot.

Still, at least now that Alex Rodriguez is properly divorced he’s free to chase after his soulmate Madonna. Or, if Madonna still hasn’t left Guy Ritchie yet, the nearest alternative – the wizened old lady who lives near him and sits on the park bench playing with herself all day. Go hit that, A-Rod.

As non-followers of American sports, we never really knew who Alex Rodriguez was – we think he’s the fifth back quarter for the New York Antelopes in the National Conkers League, but that’s a guess – until all that stuff about him and Madonna got out.

For those with either short memories or impressively effective tosh filters installed in their brains, it was widely reported earlier in the year that Madonna and Guy Ritchie were splitting up – reports apparently backed up by rumours that Madonna and Alex Rodriguez were having it off.

While Madonna’s marriage managed to withstand the claims, Rodriguez’s marriage didn’t. Incensed by reports that Alex Rodriguez called Madonna his “fucking soulmate” – and possibly by the way that Rodriguez ran off to be with Madonna about 30 seconds after the birth of his own child – his wife Cynthia Rodriguez started divorce proceedings. And maybe a bunk-up with Lenny Kravitz, too, although God knows what all that was about.

The stage was set. One one hand was a superstar athlete, on the other hand was the furious mother of his children and on the third had was a 50-year-old woman with a Nazi fixation and a number of leotards that don’t quite cover up her clodge properly. It was going to the divorce to end all divorces.

Except it wasn’t, because Alex Rodriguez has just decided to give his wife some cash, she’s decided to accept and everyone seems happy. Rubbish. The New York Post reports:

Yankee superstar A-Rod and his long-suffering wife slugged it out quickly and quietly – and now have reached a settlement to end their troubled marriage, a source told The Post last night. “They reached a settlement agreement,” said the source close to Alex Rodriguez. “It was very amicable.” The terms were not immediately disclosed.

Oh come on? Cynthia Rodriguez doesn’t even hate her ex-husband enough to string it out for a bit more? Christ, that’s pathetic. We were expecting something at least equivalent to the whole $3000 a month on porn Christie Brinkley divorce.

What could have happened? Maybe Cynthia was right all along, and Madonna can brainwash people. Maybe Madonna got to her, too, before she could reveal anything too spectacular. Still, at least we know that we’re safe from Madonna’s brainwashing. She’ll never got to uszzzz…

Madonna is good. Madonna’s new album Hard Candy is still in stores. Buy it. It’s good.

Just joking. It’s shit.