A Plea: Please Stop Buying The Rihanna Single

It's now July and, according to meteorologists, this means that the sun will have his hat on and beat down his warm rays so everyone on planet Earth can give ourselves a nice tan. Well that’s the plan anyway.

Unfortunately summer hasn’t quite made it to the UK yet. In fact it’s been chucking it down for weeks now and we’re getting quite sick of the crap weather. We want a change, and quickly. With all this talk of global warming and the planet getting warmer due to us belting out more carbon emissions, it was assumed we’d be basking in heatwaves that mirrored those of Brazil. Sadly not. Instead, the UK has been battered by storms that have destroyed homes across the country. And we believe it’s down to one evil force far greater than global warmer - the Umbrella song by Rihanna and Jay-Z. 

You may be aware that over the weekend, quite a few concerts were held to promote how rubbish we are at recycling and generally saving the world. Bands like Razorlight, Bloc Party and Duran Duran took it upon themselves to preach failed American presidency candidate Al Gore's words of not leaving your gadgets and gizmos on standby at night and use energy efficient light bulbs.  But is global warming really happening? Frankly, we believe it's corporate propaganda, because anyone in the UK will note the absolutely shit weather we’ve been having. For two months now we’ve had nothing but rain, floods and cold wind making our lives a misery. The city of Hull has almost been destroyed, which in some respects may not be a bad thing as there’s nothing there, but nonetheless people have lost everything they own and have been reduced to nothing. And we blame one thing.

Isn’t it slightly weird that since its release, the Umbrella song by Rihanna has caused nothing but rain? We demand that radio and TV ban it immediately. Eight sodden weeks at number one! Who the hell is still buying it? No-one at hecklerspray is that’s for sure. Yes, the sight of an attractive skinny American prancing around saying the world "Ella" over and over again is enough to distract us from working and watch the video on YouTube, but that's not the point. Umbrella should be banished immediately from the airwaves so the sun can get a chance to poke through the clouds. Then we can all complain that it’s too hot and wish we hadn’t knackered the planet up through burning too many fossil fuels. 

So please don’t buy the Rihanna record. We can’t bear another week/month of of rain. We want to see at least seven hours of sunshine this year. So at least make it happen in July! Buy any other record instead. Alternatively, urge Rihanna to record a new song called My Lovely Suntan Lotion since she's such a crazy weather-altering mystic.

Read more: 

Rihanna Spends Eight Weeks At Top - BBC