The new series of Celebrity Big Brother is just around the corner. This excites us all because a) it’s another TV series to bet on, and b) we’re staggered that there are still personalities who want to have their careers kicked in by the British public.
You’re as excited as we are about Celebrity Big Brother, admit it. And that’s why, just to whet your appetite, we’ve constructed a potted history of all the highlights, lowlights and downright weird goings on in Celebrity Big Brother past…
We’re frankly struck dumb by the types of ‘celebrities’ that get put
into the Celebrity Big Brother house. The producers seem to take the most fragile
of headcases from our TV slots and ram them into a house stuffed with other
fragile headcases. Thing is, we never find out just how mental they are until they actually go inside the house. And it all started with Celebrity Big Brother 1.
Celebrity Big Brother 1 appealed to our sense of curiosity. We – like the rest of the public – watched these celebrities in
awe, praying that Jack Dee would smack Eubank in the face;
wondering if Claire Sweeney would ditch the apple-pie image and lamp Anthea Turner
rather than just making smart remarks; and watched with amusement the
display of ‘macho’ put on by that bloke that used to be in a boyband.
Jack Dee tried to escape – twice! He emerged the overall winner and looked
forward to having a poo when he got home. But the enduring moment of Celebrity Big Brother 1 has to be
Vanessa Feltz stropping off like a ten year old when she was voted out.
Heavily edited
for the tender viewer, Vanessa broke down each time she was nominated for
eviction. Jack is said to have told her that she was ‘difficult
company’ and to ‘get real’. When the deed finally happened – according to
backstage reports – she flipped. Instead of going into the Diary Room and
saying, "Well, that’s me on my way home, then," she sat in there for three entire hours, moaning and weeping about how unfair it all was.
n
n
In CBB2 I nhave uncovered some shocking behind the scenes information. A Doctor was nput on stand-by in case the farting Les Dennis cracked up and also to save his nlife me thinks because Anne Diamond admitted that she wanted to n’murder him’. I don’t see why that was kept from the public, Amanda Holden must nhave felt like that too. Mark Owen seems to think that the only reason he nwon is because he’s old mates with Robbie Williams. Not sure that had anything nto do with it. I would say it was more to do with Mark Owen being the only one nin the house with a reasonable personality. I like Anne Diamond, and suspect she ntook on the role of everyone’s mum, I don’t know myself because I didn’t watch nit. Having to look at Goldie put me right off.
n
n
CBB3. I think nchannel four scraped the celeb barrell for this lot. John McCririck, Germaine nGreer, Bez, Jeremy Edwards (Rachel Stevens ex), Lisa L’Anson, Kenzie (who?), nBrigitte and Caprice (hasn’t she just been done for drink driving?) graced nour screen having netted a gross £500,000 in fees between them. David Icke and nSam ‘get your tits out for the boys’ Fox were rumoured but never made the grade. nI am sure they are heartbroken. After Sam’s performance at the Brit awards I ndoubt Channel Four trusted her live TV skills. Having read the comments made by nthe Housemates in CBB3 it was probably the most vicious and nasty of the three. nWhen Jackie Stallone entered the equation Brigitte naturally went mad, having ndivorced Sly to get away from the plastic mother in law. None of the nhousemate were very happy with this new edition, Jeremy was concerened that he’d nwake up and see Jackie standing over him. Not a mental image I want to share neither but my favourite comment comes Lisa l’Anson. "First John, now the Bride nof Frankenstein." Bez became the overall winner and looked forward to have a ntoke when he got home. Good old Bez. “,1]
);
//–>
In Celebrity Big Brother 2, it was reported that a doctor was
put on stand-by in case perma-farting Les Dennis actually cracked up. The doc may have also been there just in case Anne Diamond made good on her promise to
‘murder him’. Mark Owen seems to think that the only reason he
won Celebrity Big Brother 2 is because he’s old mates with Robbie Williams, but it may have been more to do with the fact that he was the only one
in the house with a reasonable personality.
Celebrity Big Brother 3 started with the sound of the bottom of the celebrity barrel being scraped. John McCririck, Germaine
Greer, Bez, Jeremy Edwards, Lisa L’Anson, Kenzie, Brigitte Nielsen and Caprice graced
our screen. having netted a gross £500,000 in fees between them. David Icke and
Sam ‘get your tits out for the boys girls’ Fox were rumoured entrants but never made the grade. After Sam’s performance at the Brit Awards, it’s doubtful that Channel Four trusted her live TV skills.
Celebrity Big Brother 3 was probably the most vicious and nasty of the shows.
When Jackie Stallone entered the equation, Brigitte naturally went mad. She’d
divorced Sly to get away from the plastic mother in law. None of the
housemates were very happy with this new addition – Jeremy, in particular, was concerned that he’d
wake up and see Jackie standing over him. Quote of the season came from Lisa l’Anson. "First John, now the Bride
of Frankenstein." Bez became the overall winner and looked forward to have a
toke when he got home. Good old Bez.
n
n
So we come to nCBB4. This year’s line up includes Boy George, Anna Nicole Smith and a few other hard up celebs. All nthat is left for them is the Big Brother house or a job in a Burger Bar. Offered nthe promise of a career resurrection (Mark Owen is back with Take That – thanks nBig Brother!) these celebrities will huddle together in the hot tub talking nbollocks hoping that their already tainted status will be lifted onto a higher nplain and get their mug shots into a Sunday rag. Boy George just needs to fly nhome to New york and get arrested again, he really doesn’t have to put us, or nhimself through the indignity of CBB4. It has also come to light that Childline nchampion Esther Rantzen is to sign up for this year’s contest.
n
n
The draw of the nBig Brother house is our undeniable thirst to see people in odd situations and nhow they deal with them. But instead of it being a social experiment that could ngive us clues and more of an understanding of who we are, it is a portal to the ntacky but good luck to them. If I were making that much money I’d do tack in a nheartbeat! What I will defend are the charities and good causes that earn from nthe Celebrity Big Brother contests. 15p from every phone vote goes to a nworthwihile cause, and no, it’s not the ‘Save Vanessa from herself’ fund. nHomeless and children’s charities have benefitted from the public love of the nultimate reality show so to that I say, keep calling. Maybe some of the celebs nfrom this year’s line up could donate some of their fees to a charity? Or is nthat asking too much?
n
“,1]
);
//–>
So we come to Celebrity Big Brother 4. This year’s line-up is rumoured to include Boy George, Anna Nicole Smith and a few other hard-up celebs. Well, it was either Celebrity Big Brother or a job in a burger bar. Offered
the promise of a career resurrection (Mark Owen is back with Take That – thanks
Big Brother!) these celebrities will huddle together in the hot tub talking
bollocks and hoping that their already tainted status will be lifted onto a higher
plain and get their mug shots into a Sunday rag.
n
My predictions nfor the 2007 Big Brother Celebrity line up include Brian Harvey, ex E17 front nman and self confessed speed bump, Gary Barlow, because the Take That tour went ntits up when Williams didn’t show up like everyone was expecting him to, Andy nMcNabb, to show off his less than discreet SAS skills and escape, survivng in nthe loft on toothpaste and snot, Jeffery Archer (he likes the confinement) nand Geri Halliwell just to add that little extra tack. And just when you thought nit couldn’t get any worse, the mystery guest will be Saskia (BB6) talking about nher love life and personal appearances in Nuts magazine or David Dickinson trying to redeem himself from the jungle nnightmare.
n
n
Have a great nChristmas and remember, Big Brother is watching nyou!!!!
