Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
We know things… things told to us in a dream by the stars and the planets and by stalking you on Twitter and hacking your Facebook account. ?These insights help us determine exactly what’s going to happen to you this week.
Unless you’ve changed your password again, in which case these may be entirely made up by our resident drunk and expert in things, ?Joanna Bolouri
It’s time for some horoscoping.
Last week ?hecklerspray writer Joanna Bolouri was in hospital having her final shred of dignity removed, and as no one else in the bedsit could be arsed was available to bring you news from Soapland, we just missed it out . ?We’d like to apologise for this oversight but we won’t – screw you.
Fear not, the spoilers return again this week giving you something to live for and?undoubtedly?brightening up your grotty, grotty little lives.
Ready to read something which will distract you from that porn site for at least 2 minutes? Excellent.
It’s time for hecklerspray psychic and astrologer person Joanna Bolouri to guide you through the next week and possibly ruin it entirely. She doesn’t care. Nope. Not even a little bit.
Think the planets care either? Really? Do you think that the planets care one jot about you and your life?
Wrong again.
Zane Lowe is an unbearably smug son of a turd and if you disagree with that statement then you’ll probably disagree with most of this article. Ever since the days when he was sitting on a badly green-screened couch, chumming up to the Foo Fighters, Lowe has maintained the air of a man whose every musical opinion is based not on a love of music, but on a love of his own opinions on music.
The Smug-Meister-General of BBC Radio 1’s musical output has a long-running tradition of forcing his opinions down the throats of his listeners by choosing a series of “Masterpiece” albums to play, in their entirety, during his show. Thankfully this only happens once a year.
However, things are different this time.
It’s time to visit Soapland again as we know this is the only thing that makes your miserable?existence?bearable. We even caught Matthew Laidlow trying to bribe fellow writer Joanna Bolouri with cake and even violence in the hope she’d reveal the?whereabouts?of David Essex since his departure.
He’s still recovering in hospital as she takes Soaps even more seriously that you losers do.
First up it’s Eastenders where it’s Yasmin’s first birthday party and as Christian has never missed a party in his life, he buys her a card and teddy, hoping to get an invite. Realising that Christian is only using her daughter’s party as an excuse to get on the good foot, Amira tells Syed he’s not welcome and Syed secretly puts his plans to backflip naked onto Christian on hold.
This week we’re dedicating the entire spoilers section to Eastenders! Why? We have no idea but there’s so much going on we literally wet our pants writing this.
First up on Albert?Square, the next story line destined to drag out for at least 17 years continues with Amira using her daughter Yasmin to manipulate ex husband Syed for reasons still unknown to everyone, even the writers.
Ben spots them playing happy families in the park and tells Christian who takes off his white vest and thinks Ben is a specky liar but doesn’t tell him that because he’s too busy frowning and flexing in his direction. A sexually frustrated ?Ben then asks hecklerspray writer Joanna Bolouri to help him out by opening a cafe, where Syed and Amira will rendezvous, allowing Christian to catch them at it. ?Hoping this will speed up this stupid plot, she readily agrees.
It’s time for another round of hecklerspray horoscopes where resident psychic Joanna Bolouri will?blatantly?lie to you for her own amusement.
This week she correctly predicted that Mof Gimmers would end up stinking drunk, face down in a gutter and that Sophie Hall was the one who stole her bra off the bedsit clothes horse and stretched it with her giant lady bumps.
Let’s see what she predicts for you cretins.
Believe in space determining your everyday activities? Do you believe that, up there in that cold dead sky, there’s magic floating around which will give you good or bad luck?
You’re in luck!
That’s because our resident star-fiddler, Joanna Bolouri has been looking at her charts, gazing blankly at the night sky and translating it all into your fortunes. That’s right. hecklerspray horoscopes are all yours. Let us see how your week is going to turn out.
Here in the hecklerspray bedsit, we’re often told off for using inappropriate words to describe the girls’ genitalia. In fact, there was a time that Matthew Laidlow had to spend three weeks hooked up to a catheter after asking Joanna Bolouri?if he could cop a feel of her “pouch”. After that, Editor Mof came up with some severe guidelines on sexual?harassment?and the bedsit hasn’t been the same since.
The real question is, how do you refer to your genitals? It’s not because we have any real interest in knowing, you understand. We just want to focus on what’s important in this column. We want to focus on the real issues of the day and do that we need to know what you ladies call your vagina.
Okay, we’ll admit it. We don’t know, nor do we want to know.
Hacked or Tapped?
Folded
