Hecklerspray's inbox is constantly rammed full of the usual email requests from PRs, viral agencies, MySpace bands, game companies, movies publicists and irate Charlotte Church fans.
We have also received a slightly cryptic video from the folks managing the London 2012 Olympics and Paralympics on the theme of PASSION, which has prompted us to list our particular passions. Well, at least the ones we can tell you about…
So, in no particular order, Hecklerspray's writers have suggested the following things we are passionate about…
Green and Blacks dark chocolate – Food of the Gods, innit
Xbox Live – Sony must be having kittens. We love Xbox Live. Microsoft is so uncool that we're considering the possibility that it is, in fact, cool.
Brigitte Bardot, circa 1962 – no explanation needed.
The couch – We love our battered couch, but Hecklerspray's office needs a better one. The couch is of course single most important piece of furniture. After the bed.
The bed – see above.
Thai food – sorts you out. Especially after the day after the day after the night before. Two-day hangovers are the worst.
The Ferrari Dino – at four we knew this was the prettiest car ever. We didn't know the value of money back then, only that the car was a joy. And it remains one of the best. Ferrari: take note.
The Internet – without it we would be doing shitty jobs for people we hated.
Google – never before have answers been so easy to find. The only downside is the the death of the blessed Pub Quiz.
Hunter S Thompson's obituary for Nixon – "He was scum. Let there be no mistake in the history books about that. Richard Nixon was an evil man – evil in a way that only those who believe in the physical reality of the Devil can understand it. He was utterly without ethics or morals or any bedrock sense of decency. Nobody trusted him–except maybe the Stalinist Chinese, and honest historians will remember him mainly as a rat who kept scrambling to get back on the ship."
Cartman – the whole South Park shebang is wonderful, but special merit goes to Cartman, for being so hateful, and so amusing.
Larry David – if ever there was one person we wanted to hand over a tiny slice of Hecklerspray to, for the purposes of saying 'shareholders include XYZ', then it is Larry David. Not that he needs the money…
Catch-22, by Joseph Heller – heartfelt thanks to former English teacher, Mr Robinson, for providing this after we refused to read Bleak House on the grounds that 'I wanted to kill myself after the first four pages'.
'Laughing' Leonard Cohen – music that makes you wanna party.
J. Mascis – a hellishly good guitar player. Last.fm's profile of Dinsoaur says it best, accurately describing the band as "soul-crushing noise rock".
Stationery – it is like a pervy foot fetish, we imagine. The smell of new ink. Devices made by Rotring. Pens with tiny nibs. STABILO BOSS. Oh, oh…
The Fall – as we keep telling y'all: The Fall Is High Art. Discuss.
Withnail & I – in the Top Ten Best Films Ever, specifically for the line: "These are the sort of windows faces look in at."
David Attenborough – we salute you, master of life on earth!
Wine – red is best. Crates of red are better.
Richard Dawkins – and other challengers of Creationism.
Peter Beardlsey's goal against Norwich – the one from the right wing touchline, a feigned cross. A gem of a player.
Facebook – a sort of slightly grown up social network where you can POKE PEOPLE. Not exactly a passion, now we mention it.
Rain of the straight variety – most people love the sun, and so do we. But hey, we also love the rain, so long as it falls in a straight top-to-bottom way. Wind is an abuser of elements. To hell with wind.
E L Wisty – and Peter Cook in general.
Coffee – you can ban the cigs but take away our coffee and there will be hell to pay.
Analogue synthesizers – Korgs and Moogs, preferably.
The Rockwell font – you can expect some changes around here, for we have fallen head over heels for Rockwell.
Hot Dogs – FUCKIN' A!
Family – ah, we're softies at heart, but it's true, bless 'em.
Creekit – still being spelt incorrectly by the Oxford English Dictionary, creekit is a way of turning our backs on the inanity of celebrity culture, for an afternoon or some cases the best part of a week. But with Paris Hilton being arrested most days it is becoming ever harder to switch off…
Peter Alliss – "Gosh, what an enormous one for such a little chap…"
Bill Hicks – if we're wrong and there is a Hell then we know we're going to be in great company.
Crème Eggs – we know they're full of sugar, and that's presumably why they taste so good.
Peroni – made for Friday afternoons. And Tuesdays. And Wednesdays. And occasionally on the weekend, come to think of it…
Pool – we don't play as often as we used to, so we'd rather like one of those big American-sized tables for our office. We'd do a celebrity 'Pool Off'…
Dodgy songs that give people The Rage – especially Caribbean Blue, by Enya.
The films of Stanley Kubrick – apart from that one with Tom Cruise in it.
Otters – they're cute, innit!
Travel – it's good to get away. We are thinking about doing a Hecklerspray World Tour, just for the hell of it. We'll let you know when you should flee your place of residence.
5 Star Hotels – see above. Once, we were peasants, sharing bunk beds with tramps… but now we like to live it up whenever we can. That said, £28 for a gin and tonic just ain't right…
Adidas Samba – a finer casual shoe has yet to be created.
The English Countryside – breathe it in, people.
Swearing – because word combinations are better with a bit of fucking emphasis, right? "Yes, but you don't have to be so rude!" No, we don't. You're right, you fucker!
Puns – 'Careless Wrister', etc etc.
Money – yeah you heard us buddy, we like the green stuff. A pretty obvious choice, but it helps you get by a little easier, and that's all there is to it. Send any unwanted dosh to us…
Cake – a slice of Victoria Sponge should be taken at 3.30pm each day, for the Best Results.
The iPod – those bloogy Apple ads are well annoying, and iPods don't always work so well on Windows, but they're pretty neat devices. Thumbs up.
Driving, fast – there's just something about belting along at ferocious speeds that makes you feel good.
Lists – Nick Hornby sold out the men of the world when he revealed to the fairer sex that men love compiling lists. And it's true, as this list proves.
So, what are you passionate about, buddy?
Chris Laverty says
Don’t forget to attach your favourite writer’s name to the free stuff you’re sending. I like money and free all expenses paid invites to places where celebrities are. CJ likes Space Raiders crisps, Stuart likes dolls.
Matthew Laidlow says
Im quite fond of Page 3 models