hecklerspray has been thinking.

We've noticed how faddy diets are on the increase. From tried and tested granddaddies of the genre like Atkins to more novel approaches such as Shit Yourself Thin or Less Legs Equals Less Lardiness, literally everyone – everyone – is trying to lose weight in an innovative and ultimately unsuccessful way.

Which is why we've come up with our own five-step program… one that's absolutely guaranteed to work. Want to hear it? Okay, then.

1) Don't

2) Eat

3) As

4) Much

5) Food

An unusual approach, we're sure you'll agree. But one that has a certain merit to it. And one that would definitely be of use to the dark huddled masses of the Fat Children Of America.

American children, you see, are overweight. With a nation's youth so obese that many high-school photographs are now required to be long-lens aerial shots, the authorities are understandably getting a mite miffed that the beloved youngsters of the US are too busy stuffing their faces with chocolate bars like FlabVeins or Cadbury's Strawberry Heart Relapse to engage in any sort of physical activity.

And they've got wars to fight, goddamit.

Thank weeping bloody Christ, then, for 50 Cent. Despite rapping like a Yorkshireman trapped in a zeppelin full of sleeping gas, Fiddy has shown that he actually does have something to contribute to the world by spearheading a campaign to slim down America's youth.

What a wonderful man. What a fantastically generous move.

And the fact that the campaign is organised by Glaceau, a company which is partly owned by 50 Cent and which also shovels out boxloads of his special vitamin drink Formula 50 to Wal-marts nationwide?

Just a coincidence. And nothing – stop being so cynical, nothing - to do with marketing at all.

Now get off your arse and go for a run.

Read More:

Rapper Backs Childhood Anti-Obesity Campaign – Breaking News

[story by C J Davies]