50 Cent Officially Better Than You, Says 50 Cent

Well it’s been certified, we are officially a piece of chewing gum on the foot of his holiness that is 50 Cent.

We may as well pack in what we’re doing now and contemplate what we did wrong in life. You see, 50 Cent has declared himself to be better then everyone else. Yup, you may have once been the cool kid in the playground who got all the foil football stickers first but now that doesn’t matter. Back then you may have been the daddy, the big cheese, number one and the mutt’s nuts, but you really aren't because 50 Cent says that he's all those things himself in what's thought to be the world's first ever instance of a rapper getting ideas above his station.

50 Cent is quickly becoming more renowned for his hilarious boastful quotes than his dreary music these days. A few months ago, 50 was all like “Yeah, I’m motherfucking 50 Cent and I’m gonna have a rap-off with my home boy Kanye West” as soon as he realised that both artists were bringing out records on the same day, adding that he’d bugger off into a dark cave somewhere if Kanye ever outsold him.

But despite getting his ass kicked black and blue from Kanye, 50 Cent didn’t retire. He cancelled some gigs which was OK but hardly what he promised. Fast-forward to a few weeks ago and 50 Cent tried exactly the same thing in the book charts against Lance Bass. And nobody even cares what the outcome was any more.

Unfortunately, 50 Cent's latest egotistical boast isn’t based around a product. This time, 50 has pretty much declared himself better than all of human kind by literally deeming everyone else around him rubbish. You see, 50 Cent can't get a girlfriend, and it's all because he's so famous and wonderful that a 'normal' woman just doesn't cut it for him any more:

"I have a lot going on and it's tough. Let's say that I'd commit to someone who is 'normal' and has a 'normal' lifestyle. But I think they would feel neglected on some levels." 

It's not looking good for 50 Cent, but we think we know where he's going wrong: 1) Any man who has to repeat his name over and over again in his own songs is not so much a lyrical genius, more a potential amnesiac. 2) You should only say you're the best if you are the best and not likely to be outsold by a bloke in a pink sweater any time soon. 3) We’re tired of 50 Cent telling us that he was shot multiple times. It's like us filling every story with mentions of the time we were sick after a dodgy takeaway.

But let's give 50 the benefit of the doubt. Yup, it would be mega-hard to get a girlfriend when you spend all hours with your nose to the grindstone pissing around in private jets across the world, going to studios to record more songs about being shot or generally living it up with the millions of dollars that people have naively given you when they bought his records. Maybe we should have a telethon for him.