Every time we turn around lately, one of two horrible things are happening in the US: 1) There is some sort of mass shooting, or 2) a celebrity type guy is being accused of sexual misconduct. Things are a real fuck show right now and it’s honestly very depressing.
However, while so many dudes in Hollywood (and some women! I see you Mariah Carey) are being shady perverts, many famous folks are still (hopefully) not gross weirdos. While nothing surprises me anymore, I have compiled a list of 5 male celebrities and 1 female who, if discovered to be sleazy perverts, would crush my eternal soul.
For those of you not in the know, Gary Oldman is one of my favorite actors and my absolute dream guy. I have the biggest lady boner for Gary Oldman and finding out that he was a greasy old pervert would kill me.
Like Gary Oldman, Steve Buscemi is one of my favorite actors, plus I kind of feel like we’d be really good friends in real life. I mean, sure he might LOOK like a gross weirdo, but I’d actually be devastated to find out that he actually was one.
I fucking love real life George Costanza, however, I do feel like it would be really far-fetched to even think that Larry David is capable of jerking off in front of unwilling women like every other grosso in Hollywood. As my friend Simone so eloquently put it “I really feel like he couldn’t possibly…like…he hates himself too much and I’m ok with that.” Word.
Correction: if anyone affiliated with Superbad was accused of sexual misconduct it would ruin my fucking life.
I mean, yes, he’s dead, but if I found out that this sweet, beautiful, innocent angel was secretly painting pictures of his dick and sending them to women I’d be RUINED.
I’d believe that Betty White grabbed a few dicks, tbh, but Jessica Fletcher? I think the fuck not.
I think the really obvious moral here is don’t jerk off in front of people unless they’re into it. Call me crazy, but that seems pretty fucking easy. Unless someone asks to see your dick, don’t show them. Dicks are like vacation pictures, if someone wants to see them they’ll let you know, otherwise just put that shit away.