Oh yeah, everyone's gone crazy bananas ever since Simon Cowell allowed the public to cast Lucie Jones back to her dreary Welsh village, where she can forever plat people?s hair, and regale them with tales about the time she wore razor-cut denim, and sung a song that no one had ever heard of.
?I'm sorry, but who the hell are you?? they will ask. ?I'm Lucie Jones,? she will declare, standing up from her seat, imagining the warmth of a spotlight once again caressing her stupid Welsh face. ?Lucie Jones, the lonely girl from Wales, who went on to national fame and stardom? for about a month.? She'll then either start frenziedly hacking at her own arms, or take up board and lodgings in whichever dumpster Shane Ward and Leon Jackson have now decided to call home.
The point being that it doesn't matter one jot that Cowell saved those turdish Irish twins at the weekend. Like the rest of them, fast forward a few months, and they will be touching themselves for coins in some rancid little corner of the internet. This is an early-evening variety show – Leona Lewis and JLS aside, it doesn't produce actual stars. So everyone should just shut up.
Plus it's not the first time that the important X Factor judges/general public have cocked things up anyway. Read on, and we?ll tell you some more?
1. Rowetta didn't win the first series
Rowetta, to jog your memory, was the Madchester casualty who spoke like someone had removed her voice box and replaced it with a Moog keyboard set to ?random?. And yet, the woman could sing like she was splodged on planet Earth for the sole purpose of interpreting songs in the style of Shirley Bassey with ?roid rage. Yes, she was that amazing. But was she good enough for the demanding X Factor audience? Hell no, sister. They liked Steve Brookstein much more, mainly because he occasionally pointed to his girlfriend when he sang, and then once whimpered like a great big flannel when Sharon Osbourne told him off in front of the entire country. We?d love to say that Rowetta had the last laugh, but, really, she didn't.
2. They kept Chico in for about two months too long
Forget the gurning Irish idiots, Chico was like a nation of pillocks rolled into one. He even had a catchphrase, which we shouted along to ? What time is it? Chico time! ? which makes us hate him even more. He made us look like total twats. The judges had the chance to get rid of the lurching, tone deaf imbecile in week one, then again in weeks three, and seven, but they didn't. But did we complain, as Addictiv Ladies, Phillip Magee and The Conway Sisters slumped into the metaphorical roadside ditch? No, we couldn't give a shit.
3. The show validated the existence of Journey South and The McDonald Brothers
Of particular horror were Journey South, a set of dead-eyed brothers who sang U2 songs, whilst staring gormlessly into the middle-distance. Each time the judges cast their verdicts, it was like they were talking to a couple of discarded puppets, draped on stage, unaware of what was going on. A nightmare scenario would be to attend a dinner party hosted by the brothers, mainly because the highlight of the evening would be explaining in detail your exact route from your house to theirs. Ditto all of the above for the McDonald Brothers, with the only defining difference being that they were Scottish.
4. The judges kicked out Laura White
Forget Alexandra Burke, the real star of last year?s X Factor was Laura White, who dominated the early weeks with her amazing jazz/soul voice. She was head and shoulders above the rest. But then, for some ungodly reason, she was kicked off by the judges just halfway through the show ? missing out in the sing-off to Ruth Lorenzo, who, admittedly, had startling breasts. Even so, it was a travesty. A total travesty.