2 Lohans + 1 Dr. Phil = Daytime TV Gold

Dina Lohan Drunk on Dr. Phil“We’re not here to talk about my shoes.” ?Dr. Phil McGraw

That quote pretty much sums up the entire Dina Lohan interview on Monday’s episode of Dr. Phil. On Monday, blogs all over the Internet were asking the same question: Was Dina Lohan Drunk During Dr. Phil Interview? Well, brace yourselves, entertainment media, for I have the answer: yes.

The episode starts like a respectable introduction to a Lindsay Lohan biopic. McGraw recounts the ups and downs of her life in a succinct but adequate opening. But this nice little intro is merely a preamble to coming circus act that is Dr. Phil’s interview the mother of all bad mothers. Grab the popcorn?entertainment is about to ensue.

First, we find out that Dina and Michael Lohan were married for a whopping nineteen years. Seriously, two bat shit crazy people, married for 19 years? We now know the secret to a lasting marriage: drugs and jail time.

“Can we stop?” Dina asks intermittently throughout the interview. Instead of answering questions, she keeps asking, “are we rolling?” This is something that Dr. Phil calls deflecting, but there’s a part of me that thinks she genuinely isn’t sure where she’s at or even what year it is during the entire interview.

Dina also puts her hands up in front of the camera as if it’s a paparazzo. Clearly, she does not understand the basics of being on set.

The majority of the interview is basically Dr. Phil desperately trying to pretend that his producers agreed to do this very special ‘Lohan’ episode in an effort to inspire women. He keeps mentioning the whole inspiration thing as if this isn’t a ploy to get suckers people like me to watch his show. Come on, McGraw. I know why I’m here. And it’s definitely not to be inspired.

At any rate, Dina continues to blow off each question. “Can we stop?” she asks, again, when questioned about whether she was abused by Michael. Dr. Phil becomes increasingly annoyed, and eventually, he amusingly calls her out on her drunk, crazy bullshit.

“You’re reaching for words that you don’t even know the meaning of, and you’re using them in the wrong place in the sentence,” Dr. Phil tells Dina. “So that tells me this isn’t the way you talk everyday.”

You’d think that someone breaking down your phony behavior at that level would be enough to make you show at least a sliver of authenticity. But not Dina Lohan, no way. She keeps pretending she doesn’t understand why she is on TV right now.

“Can I go home now?” she asks. To which Dr. Phil responds: “Do whatever you want to do.” She then points at him and says, “that was not nice.”

And I’m not the biggest Dr. Phil fan, but I have never felt more sympathy for another human being. He might make money as a popular psychologist, but during this interview, he was basically paid to babysit/make sure this woman didn’t choke on her own vomit.

So the whole interview pretty much culminates into Dr. Phil telling Dina Lohan:

“You have come on here and been phony, inauthentic.”

She then gives the middle finger to the camera, and there’s really no other progress from there.

From there, McGraw talks to Michael Lohan, who is a more cooperative interview, but still a pretty questionable human being in general. We meet Michael’s estranged daughter, who has been ignored by him for the duration of her life. He agrees to take a paternity test, and I secretly get a little excited with the idea that this will lead to a Maury crossover. Because the only thing I can imagine that would be more entertaining than interviewing both Lohans is interviewing both Lohans while a bunch of rowdy audience members yell shit at them.

One can only hope.

Seriously, this family makes for great daytime TV. If you’re into shitty daytime TV, that is. Dr. Phil,? Jerry Springer, Judge Judy…the Lohans should totally make a talk show tour of their dysfunction.