hecklerspray has zero children. It's a shame too, because our genes are superb and we have the perfect boarding school just raring to go.
And it's not because girls don't like us – heavens no! Girls are crazy about us. We blame the legal system that's got us all locked up for the next three to five years, the greater portion of which is in something called 'solitary'. You tell us, how's a fella supposed to sew his seed when he's stuck in something called 'solitary'? Seriously, our only human contact is a fat hand that occasionally pushes in a food-plate.
You know who doesn't have that problem though? That Keisha Castle-Hughes dame up there in the headline. She's the youngest actress to ever be nominated for an Academy Award, and is only 16 now. She's just announced that she's been successfully drilled by billions of her boyfriend's wiggly sperm – to put things respectfully.
Keisha Castle-Hughes got some sort of an Academy Award nomination for her part in a movie called The Whale Rider, where our inside sources tell us she played a 12-year-old character that rides a whale. Our inside sources also tell us that when a 12-year-old female rides a whale, she risks getting whale germs in her ovum, where they rest for two to four years and then lurch onto the first egg the girl's body ever produces.
This, in turn, creates a fairly ugly human baby with a neck-based blow-hole – clearly the case here as Keisha Castle-Hughes has just announced she's pregnant two to four years after filming that whale movie.
Completely conflicting sources, however, tell us the baby is extremely non-whale like, and is a more direct product of Castle-Hughes' 19-year-old boyfriend's extremely horny nature.
Well be the father man or whale, the only thing any of us know for sure is castle-Hughes is pregnant, and her child will probably have at least a three part last name. The soon to be mother is, however, putting on a brave face about the whole thing. A friend of the family says:
"She is thrilled that she is going to be a mum."
Really, it's all very cliché. Girl meets boy, or girl meets whale, or girl meets whale-boy, and girl falls in love. Girl doesn't realise plankton is an aphrodisiac, and whale-boy/boy/whale boyfriend has his/its way with girl. Girl's boy/whale-boy/whale lover promises nothing will happen if they do it standing up, and girl foolishly chooses to believe it. Girl eventually realises that statement has little to no scientific merit when a particularly cheap home pregnancy test turns pink. Girl then gets doe-eyed, and her lip begins to quiver.
And that, people, is where babies come from. According to our father.
Read more:
Whale Rider's Keisha Castle-Hughes Expecting – People
[story by Shawn Lindseth]
RC of strangeculture says
Yikes, so informative…so informative indeed.
Kaschelle says
While I love your explination on how she got pregnant, I have to say good on her for being proud of this. Teen moms need a spokesperson out there to show that they can be just as good moms as older ones. I hope she is able to live up to that responsibility, everyones going to be watching everything she does, ready to blame her age if she makes a mistake.
Tennille says
I was going to try and say something that was understanding and caring, but I can’t mustard up anything. This is the most crack headed thing in the world she could do. I’m sorry having a baby doesn’t bring maturity and wisdom, when we all go to sleep and wake up in the morning the CHILD will still be 16 having a baby. Her being an actress doesn’t make it ok. she and her parent should be ashamed of themselves. Parents need to be there to raise their children, she is going to have to put her career on hold, well she is if she plans to be a good parent. Kids today all need to be re- educated on sex and what is right and what is wrong and sex before marriage is wrong and sex at 16 is just sad and wrong
margaret says
u should be fuckn ashamed of your self leave her alone