Some Bond baddies really shouldn’t have bothered getting out bed.

They have all these crazy ideas of world domination, but are barely fit to tie their own shoelaces without help. Plus the fact they are up against James Bond, a guy who could find a way of decapitating you with just a dessert spoon.

Well, inspired by that pointless bug-eyed Frenchman from Quantum Of Solace, Hecklerspray has come up with a list of the worst offenders – and what a sorry bunch they are! To make it interesting, we have decided to include the henchmen who have tried their luck against 007, as well as the main villains. Enjoy.

12. Whisper
Film: Live and Let Die

He’s fat and he talks very quietly – hardly the stuff of nightmares, is it? Not even a match for Jane Seymour, never mind Bond.

11. Kamal Khan
Film: Octopussy

Let’s get this straight. This is a French actor playing a snobby Afghan prince, who lives in India and speaks English – badly. He should have volunteered to be the clown in his own circus.

10. Sandor
Film: The Spy Who Loved Me

The bald and rather wide henchman was introduced alongside Jaws. But do you remember him?

9. Snake
Film: Moonraker

They could have at least got a snake which didn’t look like a draft excluder.

8. Mr Bullion
Film: The World is Not Enough

One of the worst acting performances in a Bond film ever.

7. Brad Whittaker
Film: The Living Daylights

Possibly the worst piece of Bond casting since, errr, having Timothy Dalton play Bond in the same film. To make matters worse, Joe Don Baker returned in Goldeneye to play a different character. He was rubbish in that too.

6. Gustav Graves
Film: Die Another Day

Posh boy Toby Stephens doesn’t quite pull it off as a North Korean warlord. Wonder why?

5. Hugo Drax
Film: Moonraker

We cannot believe he had the nerve to come up with a plan to destroy the world and set up a colony is space where only beautiful people can live. Has he looked in the mirror lately? He looks like a cross between a toad and a big, gay bear. Also, can you really take someone seriously when they look thoroughly disinterested throughout the whole movie?

4. Dominic Greene
Film: Quantum Of Solace

Number six in this list is a berserk North Korean general who had a face transplant, built a dream machine because he can’t sleep and wants to chop the world in half with a massive space laser. Whereas this bug-eyed goon’s crime is keeping some water in an underground lake. Hardly compares, does it? And he screams like a girl when James Bond punches him. And he can’t use an axe properly. The twerp.

3. Max Zorin
Film: A View To A Kill

Now, this just hurts. Here at Hecklerspray Towers, we love Christopher Walken. But not even he could rescue the worst Bond film ever made. Upstaged by Grace Jones – the shame.

2. Karl Stromberg
Film: The Spy Who Loved Me

Has anyone looked more bored about his plans for world domination?

1. Renard
Film: The World is Not Enough

How did they manage to mess this one up? Robert Carlyle is a fine actor and scared the hell out of us as the nutter Begbie in Trainspotting. Add to that the fact his character is dying and feels no pain, and you should have all the right ingredients to make a great Bond baddie. Instead, what we got was as pussy-whipped villain who is upstaged by his slightly more impressive girlfriend. Rubbish!

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