10,000 BC Woolly Mammoths Weekend Box Office

Boneheaded men roaring at each other? Women in scraps of clothing? Hairy beasts senselessly rutting together in an unpleasant clumsy mess? No, we're not describing a Friday night out in Guildford, apart from that last bit.

We're actually talking about 10,000 BC, this week's top movie at the weekend box office.

While 10,000 BC might look like a confusing, badly-plotted muddle that only did well at the US weekend box office because the trailer had lots of bangy noises in it, it's actually the fruit of a highly scientific experiment to see what you get when you mix equal parts Apocalypto, Lord Of The Rings and One Million Years BC. The answer, like you need to be told, is a bag of shit.

10,000 BC is the top movie at the US weekend box office this week, and it's really no surprise. That's because 10,000 BC is the work of Roland Emmerich, director of The Day After Tomorrow, Godzilla and Independence Day, and it shows a marked improvement on his previous work because a) Will Smith isn't in it, b) it doesn't feature scenes of people trying to out-run ice and c) it's not Godzilla.

Maybe if Roland Emmerich continues this upwards curve for long enough he'll actually make a film that won't make us feel cheated as we leave the cinema. Maybe. Here's the US weekend box office top five…

1 - 10,000 BC (The second-biggest opening weekend of the year which - following the disappointing grosses for Apocalypto - proves that there really is market for epics set in ancient historical times. It just helps if the director doesn't blame the Jews for all global conflicts before it comes out) $35,730,000

2 - College Road Trip (Remember Road Trip? Remember Eurotrip? Want another instalment on that hilarious premise even though the joke stopped being funny about 90 seconds into the original movie? You don't? Well tough shit, because some fool made College Road Trip anyway) $14,000,000

3 - Vantage Point (We haven't seen Vantage Point yet, but it's obvious that the president is the baddie all along, isn't it? In fact, we're probably never going to see Vantage Point, so we'll just assume that he is. Bad president. What a shithead) $7,500,000

4 - Semi-Pro (Semi-Pro dropped 60% from its already underperforming opening weekend, which must surely put the final nail in the coffin of Will Ferrell sports comedies. Bad news for anyone waiting for Blades Of Glory 2, but wonderful news for anyone waiting for Bewitched 2. You poor, sick bastards) $5,900,000

5 - The Bank Job (The movie where Jason Statham finally stretches his wings and makes an Atonement-style period drama full of poignant moments of heartbreaking yet dignified loss. Or a completely typical cockernee geezah crime caper that looks about as appealing as violent electrocution. We forget which) $5,710,000

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Weekend Box Office - Box Office Mojo