Lord of the Rings. Not bad films… first one easily the best, second one just a filler, and the third one slightly self-indulgent, but Peter Jackson did do a very good job of pairing the film down to its nuts-and-bolts. Believe us, if he had shot it page for page, it’s more than likely we would have all shot ourselves by now.

Anyway, if one happened to wonder what wise words of wisdom Tolkien and Jackson have to impart on us mere mortals, then… you probably should look elsewhere. In the meantime, read the 10 Things We Can Learn From Lord Of The Rings…

1. Any references to smoking weed, tossing dwarves and homo-erotic
parallels are not intentional. At least, that’s what it says on the
back of our DVD box-set. That we bought in Soho…

2. Hobbits are, in
reality, fat lazy slobs that are only concerned with eating and getting
rat-faced every night. Most of their folk are likely to study media at
University.

3. Let’s face it, Return of the King was basically the
same plot as The Two Towers, only with a big spider. And fewer talking
trees. And a nice big white city. And longer. And the Ring was
destroyed at the end. And then there was twenty minutes of
multiple-endings…

4. Eagles are unreliable. They naff off and do
their own thing for practically most of the story, only to turn up at
the very end when it suits them. Do not feed.

5. Never, like, drink water located in the forest. It makes the trees talk, dude!

6.
Character’s fates can be determined by DVD. And by those smart-arses who
have already read the book and go around saying: "I know what happens,
but I’m not going to tell you." Punch these people accordingly.

7.
Apparently, it is possible to run nearly half a mile on fire, and still
survive long enough to not realise that the floor has ended and fall a
thousand feet to the bloody battle below. Where we assume one would
survive long enough to be trampled by a huge Oliphaunt.

8. It is
possible to fall in love with a deranged, split-personality computer
sprite with an incredibly annoying voice. Well, we don’t mean love as
in point one…

9. Wizards are ill-tempered, cantankerous old men who
only ever quarrel with each other and Hobbits. Much like any other old
person one ever meets, except with higher trousers…

10. Only really
rugged men have beards. And dwarf women. Combs for untangling knots
sell like hotcakes. That’s the business to get into, right there…

Does anyone out there know any reason why Hobbits have such hairy
feet? Send your theories and ker-razy ideas to us, and we’ll put ‘em
up… and then have you committed.

[story by James Hickey]