It’s been dubbed “Circumstantial Hotness“—the phenomenon in which an otherwise average to unattractive person is thrust into complete hotness simply due to the circumstances that surround them. It’s a completely superficial type of hotness, because it has absolutely nothing to do with what really matters—good looks.
From Rod Stewart to John Mayer, there are some performers out there who, if not for their musical talent, would be some of the creepiest, most unattractive men you’ve ever met. And without further adieu, here you have them:
1. John Mayer
Between his looks and his personality, John Mayer would undoubtedly make every woman he encountered projectile vomit if not for his musical talents. But since he knows his way around a guitar, Mayer is knee deep in babes—everyone from Katy Perry to Jennifer Aniston.
He should probably just keep his mouth shut and hope no one blows his cover, but noooo. John throws his good fortune back in our faces. For example, remember this little gem about Jessica Simpson?
“Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just fucking snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.’”
And then there was, of course, this quote about his penis and the fact that it only likes white people:
“My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.”
Gross, man. Just gross.
2. Keith Richards
Sure, the sex, drugs and rock n’ roll probably had something to do with Keith Richards’ mystifyingly ugly face, but let’s face it. There was not that much there to begin with. But the good news for him is—people still consider Keith Richards to be sexy as hell. Sure, he definitely hasn’t bagged as many chicks as Mick Jagger, but still. You know he’s had his share.
Keith knew he hit the jackpot with his Rolling Stones fame and thus, he didn’t get greedy with the groupies. In 1979, he met a gorgeous model named Patti Hansen. The two married in 1983 and are still together, nearly thirty years later. It might be true love, but one thing’s for sure—it wasn’t love at first sight. Look at the picture above and disagree with me. I dare you.
3. Steven Tyler
Steven Tyler is the epitome of circumstantial hotness. He’s been with so many women–let’s just say–if you don’t know who your father is, it’s quite possible it’s Steven Tyler. I once had a very attractive female friend who bragged to me that Steven Tyler made out with her backstage at a concert. Take away Aerosmith, and she basically stuck her tongue down the throat of a bag lady. He seems like a nice guy, so I hate to say that, but he’s gotta know, right?
Steven took full advantage of his Aerosmith fame in the 80s, but he’s somewhat reformed himself since then:
“Sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll! Take out the drugs and there’s a lot more room for the other two.”
Apparently, sex is now his anti-drug.
He might be appreciative of his circumstantial hotness, but Steven is still a bit entitled:
“Now that I am sober, I deserve to get laid.”
Cute. But imagine an ex-addict who isn’t in a world-famous band saying this. Less endearing and more creepy, right?
4. Gene Simmons
Gene Simmons is not an attractive man. God bless him, but he looks like the love child of Johnny Cash and a stick of cotton candy. But because of his rock star status, Gene Simmons was able to nab Playboy model Shannon Tweed. In a world where “Rock and Roll All Nite” didn’t exist, Gene would be married to Lunchlady Doris.
If that’s not enough, Gene Simmons claims to have had sex with 4,600 women. And if you’ve ever been to a KISS concert, you know that’s probably actually true. (I’ve never been to a KISS concert, but I’ve seen them on YouTube, and the ladies really seem to be enjoying themselves).
Gene has since settled down with one woman…but still. His sexual attitude is pretty disgusting:
“I don’t lie, like most men do. I will tell a girl I want her and desire her, but I’ll tell her straight, ‘I want your sister and your mommy as well.’”
When can we stop pretending Pitbull is hot? When it comes to looks, an actual pit bull is preferable. It has nothing to do with his baldness, either, though it doesn’t help. But women swoon over this guy like he’s Latino Elvis.
Frankly, I’m not quite sure how this man even stumbled into circumstantial hotness with lyrics like this:
“Mami got an ass like a donkey, with a monkey. Look like King Kong, welcome to the crib.”
Huh? What does that even mean– a donkey with a monkey? Is it a compliment?
If he weren’t famous, Pitbull would just be another average-looking dude who compares women to animals. Women dance to this shit, but in any other circumstance, the guy would get his balls kicked in.
6. Pete Doherty
If Chuck Palahniuk and Charles Dickens were to co-write a novel, I feel like the main character would look exactly like Pete Doherty. No doubt, the drugs have contributed to this man’s ghastliness, yet he still managed to bag a supermodel.
Okay, okay Kate Moss. But technically, she’s still a supermodel. And if it weren’t for The Libertines, this would never have happened.
And get this. At the NME Awards in 2006, Pete won the title of ‘Sexiest Man’. A guitar, a microphone and a fedora—it’s amazing what a few accessories can do for your look.
Can you imagine the possibility of Marilyn Manson not being famous? There would be no Rose McGowen, Dita Von Teese, Evan Rachel Wood or any of the other women he’s been with. No way in hell. If not for his music career, Marilyn Manson would be the creepiest motherfucker you ever met. Smart, but creepy.
But thanks to his contributions to the music industry, women are lining up to bang him.
8. Ric Ocasek
Talented as hell, but an adonis he is not. Ric Ocasek of The Cars has had a few marriages, one of which was with a supermodel. In fact, Ocasek’s circumstantial hotness seems to have even baffled himself:
“I like beautiful women. Tall, thin, beautiful women. Fat little ugly women. I like all kinds of women. I’m always attracted to the opposite sex. I’m attracted to both sexes, actually. But not only beautiful men — I think I like weird men.”
Is it just me, or does he seem a bit confused and unsure of himself? He’s like a starving hobo being asked what he wants for dinner: “I’ll have the steak. Steak and hamburger. But I also like pizza. And ice cream. You know what—just give me the whole menu.” It’s overwhelming, Ric. I know.
9. Rod Stewart
Rod has some serious confidence. In the 80s, he repeatedly took the stage to sing “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy”—with a straight face. He’s been married three times and has had numerous flings with models despite his cocky attitude and sub-par looks. He got lucky; and he laughs in the face of his fortune:
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
You nabbed Rachel Hunter. Don’t mock the circumstantial hotness, Rod. Just don’t.
10. Flavor Flav
I don’t want to come right out and say he’s ugly, so I’ll let Jimmy Kimmel do it for me:
“Flav, I don’t know how old you are but you don’t look good. When I first saw you sitting up there, I thought it was an open casket memorial for James Brown.”
He might be a hell of a hype man, but he’s far from handsome. If it weren’t for Flavor Flav’s days in Public Enemy, he would just be some borderline schizophrenic who occasionally yells “YEAAAAAAH BOYYEEEEEE” for no apparent reason. Instead, Flavor Flav’s got women lining up to compete for his affections.
He paid his dues in the 80s and 90s, and now, Flav has the sluttiest of women wanting a piece of him.
But you know what? Good for him.
In fact, good for all of them. Except maybe John Mayer. He really gets on my nerves. But the rest of these guys surely understand that their hotness is circumstantial, and they’ve been riding it for all its worth. And why shouldn’t they? That’s the glory of being a rock star, after all. It has been a longstanding tradition that musicians get babes. And it’s a tradition that shouldn’t be fucked with, as it takes talent and skill to be a successful artist.
In honor of this venerable rock n’ roll phenomenon, I leave you with one final thought from the talented (but gross) Rick James:
“You can’t have rock and roll without sex.”