Justin Bieber has barely stopped wetting the bed and eating the boogers from his nose and yet, he’s one of the most famous humans on the planet. His whole life is soundtracked by people either fawning over him or shrieking at him like his arse is on fire.

Of course, us miserable and utterly jaded adults look to him with a burning envy that makes us ashamed and mean-spirited.

This is why we can rub our hands together and cackle while we’re astonishingly cruel to a child. Yes. We’ve resorted to bullying children because our lives are so twisted and worthless. And here are 10 reasons why we can all veer between hooting and wailing in abject misery as Justin Bieber’s inevitable nervous breakdown catches up with him.

Danny Bonaduce

Reason number one is former Partridge Family actor, Danny Bonaduce. After being the child star of the incredibly popular American show, Danny fell on hard times. He ended up living in his car and was twice arrested for cocaine possession. At one point, Bonaduce was so hooked on crack that he got vicious scarring on his fingers and mouth because he couldn’t wait for the pipe to cool down before smoking it. He then beat-up a transvestite hooker and tried to kill himself.

Beiber’s Future? The chances of a fall in grace like this are incredibly slim.

Todd Bridges

Who? Bridges played Willis in Diff’rent Strokes and… well… he went really mental. He’s been arrested for carrying a concealed weapon, as well as getting nicked for making a bomb threat against a car dealership… oh, and he also pulled a gun on a mechanic during a dispute over a bill. That’s nothing though. He nearly got done for attempted murder after (allegedly) shooting a crack dealer eight times whilst wrecked on coke. Still, he redeemed himself slightly by rescuing a woman who had fallen out of her wheelchair while fishing.

Bieber’s Future? Not likely. He’s already found God no doubt.

Corey Haim

Star of The Lost Boys, Corey Haim briefly dated Victoria Beckham which is a savage blow which few lifestyles survive. Still, that’s nothing compared to how he threw one girl face-first into a car after one of his notorious volatile mood swings. Haim was apparently addicted to Valium and Vicodin, as well as a whole bunch of anti-psychotic drugs.

Bieber’s Future? Could well go down the mood-swing route. Years of feeling trapped by stardom could well see him necking Valium and attacking people. Forecast is good!

Edward Furlong

Who? He’s the kid from Terminator 2. He had a long and painful battle with drugs and booze. One incident saw a hammered Furlong at a Meijer grocery in Cincinnati, yanking lobsters from a tank and walking around in circles. In and out of rehab at various times, Furlong has not dealt with fame well.

Bieber’s Future? There’s a definite chance of Bieber getting wasted and trying to free animals. Ego + Animal Welfare could definitely frazzle Bieber’s brain when the fame subsides.

Cory Feldman

All you need to know is that Cory Feldman was married in a ceremony that was officiated by a rabbi and M.C. Hammer. This is quite possibly the most amazing image ever.

Bieber’s Future? Almost a cert. Justin will get drunk on fame, go mental and get married to Sean Kingston with Dave The Monk from Big Brother 11 overseeing the proceedings.

Britney Spears

Ah Britney. Thrust into the limelight at a very young age and then shaved your head and married a loser. In between spells in rehab, appearing drunk and babbling in leaked personal movies and having the world point at you and state you’re a dreadful parent, Britney managed to wobble around dizzied by the attention and release some average records while gyrating drunkenly in a bikini in a promotional video. There was a time when it looked like we were going to lose Britney, but somehow, she clawed her way back.

Bieber’s Future? Maybe. He’s got that same sexualised wholesomeness that Britney had… it’s not impossible to see him with a string of short and unsuccessful marriages. He could shave his head when he tires of everyone saying he looks like a lesbian.

Judy Garland

Garland has been through it all. Drink, divorces, drugs, men… for a while, it seemed like she was indestructible. Comic Bob Smith said of Garland…  “Elvis had a drinking problem… Judy could drink Elvis under the table. Elvis gained more weight. Judy lost more weight. Elvis was addicted to painkillers. No pill could stop Judy’s pain.”

Bieber’s Future? Not a chance. Judy Garland is a one-off. Even thinking about the shit Garland went through from a young age would be enough to make Bieber want to end his life before he’s 20 years old.

Lindsay Lohan

Talented young actress discovers the joys of drugs, drink and flashing your genitals out of car doors. An astonishingly brief stint in prison and a mere peep into rehab later and LiLo is the archetypal Troubled Former Child Star.

Bieber’s Future? It’s possible. Too much public clean living tends to mask a self-destruct button.

Bobby Brown

After being a child star in 80s kiddie-soul outfit New Edition, Bobby Brown went on to be a famous adult. Initially, he was famed for his music. Then he became famous for abusing substances, battery, allegedly for beating up Whitney Houston and drunk driving. More recently, Brown threatened to beat up a chat-show host after he’d implied that they should have sex.

Bieber’s Future? Bobby Brown is a special type of mental and surely Bieber won’t follow that path? That said, should Justin have a couple of hits when he’s in his 20s and not lose his looks, then surely he’s only a bag of coke away from being batshit crazy and marrying a famous singer who he can use as a punching bag?

Michael Jackson

The most famous of all the child stars. Mentally tortured by his dad, MJ went into adulthood having absolutely no idea what it was like to be a normal human being. This saw him wondering into the arena of the peculiar, shacking up with a monkey, buying lots and lots of things to fill a haunted amusement park… and then there’s the whole business with young kids. He died before his time, apparently addicted to all manner of grim stuff.

Bieber’s Future? Not a chance.

In summary:

So who is Justin Bieber most likely to grow-up like? Well, for all the tragedy and woe detailed about, the sad truth is that Justin Bieber is clearly heading toward a life akin to Donny Osmonds. White toothed, drug-free and eerily haired. He’ll sell bucket loads of tickets in Vegas and make women who remembered him in his youth scream and howl and it’ll be the most boring blossoming of any human ever.

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