You know how I know Katy Perry is gay? No, it’s not because she listens to Cold Play. Good guess though.
While the songstress’ played out affair with the media has left everyone wading through the bullshit to find out if her coy, female-focused flirtations are the real thing or all show, I’ve come to drop some knowledge on the subject.
As luck would have it, my childhood years spend in plebian-approved above ground pools has made me an expert wader of sorts thus enabling me to cut through the b.s. and set the record straight on the entire sexuality debacle.
So, without further ado, I present to you an ironclad dissertation– extrapolated from the depths of the worldwide interwebs and condensed to the 10 most compelling reasons– as to why Katy Perry is, indeed, a lesbian.
10. Freudian surname
What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet… or would it?
Ol’ Billy boy might’ve had a point back in the 16th century, but he also doesn’t have a clue about how one goes about overhauling their image after a bunk record. The formerly named Katy Hudson wisely chose a new last name, Perry, to distance herself from a failed self-titled Christian rock album. The PR machine would like us to believe that she swapped names so she wouldn’t get confused with the actress Kate Hudson. Riiiiiigghht. I think if you asked 100 random guys on the street if they could tell the difference, they’d be able to accurately respond without missing a beat, and all through the majesty of hand gestures.
I have an inkling Freud might serve as a better substitute teacher as we strip away Katy’s subconscious motivators for picking, of all names, Perry.
We are going to ignore the fact it is her mother’s maiden name because, remembering again that Freud is our teacher, Perry would hold too much hostility toward her mother (for not having a penis and thus being put at a disadvantage) to honor her last name. Trust me, it makes sense.
So as we continue to peel away the layers, we see that ‘Perry’ is an alcoholic beverage made from fermented pears– pears of course being an object commonly associated with the female form. If Katy were straight, she’d surely have picked something fantastically phallic, like the Agave cactus that is responsible for making tequila. Case in point: Tila Tequila, the reality TV gnome who faked her sexuality to gain fame. Page 6 didn’t need to ‘out’ her preference for males because, as Freud would point out, she already did so when choosing her last name.
Therefore, the proof is in the pudding of the aptly named Perry, a girl who went with her gut and won’t ever look back, won’t ever look back.
9. Because Urban Dictionary said so
Since adopting the new moniker, the name ‘Katy Perry’ quickly took on a meaning all its own:
Katy Perry: The act of flashing and then thrusting your genitals in front of someone.
Where is that definition from, you ask? No other place than the golden standard for modern definitions, known as UrbanDictionary.com. Nothing is as accurate or held in as high regard as the collaborative online collection of every word you’d ever need to know.
And while this can’t fully support the assertion that Perry is a lesbian, the fact we know she’s ‘Katy Perry-ing’ while wearing macramé jean shorts definitely can.
8. She shut it down before she was even open for business
If you haven’t heard her first album, don’t– not even for the sake of research. I’ll save you the nightmares and give you the highlights: the seventh song on the track is called Spit. That’s it. Don’t listen to it; just ponder about the message she’s sending.
Perry effectively skipped over any subliminal backmasking route to ward off men and instead opted for the SUPERluminal “don’t put that near my face” route.
Even at the tender age of 15 she knew exactly what to say to turn a guy off.
7. She can’t cook
Perry famously forked over $50k for cooking lessons at Elton John’s AIDS foundation Academy Awards viewing party, a prize she split with New York Giants co-owner Steven Tisch. Anyone willing to pay that much for cooking lessons means she was definitely getting sick of eating out. Ya, I said it.
6. Dumb things she’s said
Perry trying to explain something boring to the Observer Music Monthly while the journalist tried to not be distracted by all the watermelon and other fruit accessories adorning her cleavage:
“I’m talking about the way girls are really touchy-feely and sisterly. Especially when we’re growing up. We’re holding hands, we’re having sleepovers, we’re doing choreographed dance moves in our pajamas, we’re painting each other’s nails and practicing kissing on our arms – or maybe practicing kissing on one another.”
I was with her right up until the end, even the part about the arms… mmmm… she knows what a bent elbow looks like, right? Straight girls sneak boys in the house to play seven minutes in heaven. Or play truth or dare. And always pick dare. It’s science.
5. She’s clueless when it comes to men
Perry has been involved with an unapologetically emo selection of men. From Travie McCoy of Gym Class Heroes to Relient K’s Matthew Thiessen, and of course, her former husband Russell Brand, Perry, the girl who could probably have her pick of the litter seems more interested in guys she can share nail polish with than anything else.
Perry has also been recently linked to Florence + the Machine guitarist Robert Ackroyd and/or John Mayer, depending on your source. It’s like she is progressively caring less and less about preserving the façade that she has any clue what girls would find attractive in a guy. I mean, John Mayer? Talk about rock bottom. Even Jessica Simpson got herself out of that relationship and she couldn’t find her way out of a paper bag.
4. She has great taste in women
Rihanna. ‘Nuf said.
3. Obvious red flags
It’s not so much the failure of her marriage to Russell Brand that is a red flag that Perry is a lesbian, but more pointedly the fact that she could only keep him interested for 14 months. It was inevitable he was going to leave; even if she did bear his child like he’d wanted (which would have required all the crazy sex they weren’t having) he’d have been out the door by the third trimester. But with a rack like that, had Perry been putting out, Brand would have been too distracted to part ways for the better part of three years.
2. The Case of Last Friday Night
If a stranger really did sleep in Katy’s bed last Friday night, as she so claims, the answer to whomever that stranger was would solve the mystery of Katy’s sexual orientation.
In my experience, if I should ever black out, the best way to figure out what happened is to work backwards, so first stop: pounding and glitter. GO.
We know that glitter has been used as an effective means of persuasion in the gay community for a while now, but being the big rock star she is, Perry needs it as much as the Kardashians need another show.
Therefore, the only reasonable explanation for glitter all over the room is that: A. she took home a stripper, B. she took home a figure skater (male or female, but probably the latter due to the former’s reputed orientation), or C. She was actually referring to the Mariah biopic aggressively playing on multiple screens, (which would explain the pounding in her head).
Digging a bit deeper, my professional detective blogging opinion would assert that the allusions to table dancing and maxing out credit cards point directly to Katy baggin’ a stripper (who, I’m sure, really liked Katy, and should be graduating from college soon.)
1. She kissed a girl
And she liked it. Duh.