In the last two weeks, Kaley Cuoco married a guy that she dated for about an hour and Hilary Duff split up with her weird looking husband after three years of marriage. What do these things have in common? Well, technically, nothing other than the fact that both Kaley and Hilary are blond starlets that married athletes, but I have no desire in writing about female stars who get wetties for athletes.
Nope, what they have in common that I’m interested in is the fact that both Hilary and Kaley’s marriages were ones that probably should’ve waited. Hilary was only 23 when she got married, which is super young by today’s standards, and I’ve had heartburn longer than Kaley knew her husband. People in Hollywood have a lot of money, which means they often blow it on stupid shit like getting married without thinking about it. Sometimes they get married too young and sometimes they get married too quickly after being with someone. And we all know how that ends up going for them.
So, in honor of Hilary’s failed marriage and Kaley’s soon-to-be failed marriage, here are 10 celebrity couples that probably should’ve held off on the whole marriage thing.
Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey
Nick and Jessica were one of the most annoying celebrity couples ever and their reality show Newlyweds showed the world just how fucking stupid Jessica Simpson is. They didn’t seem to even like each other that much. Jessica was only 22-years-old and a virgin when she married Nick, which should’ve been a big red flag that this shit probably wasn’t going to last. I mean, I get why Nick married her. Jessica was famously saving herself for marriage and Nick really wanted to hit that, so he figured he might as well put a ring on it for a few years. The couple split in 2005 and have since moved on to have children with way hotter people. In reality, I would bet a lot of money that if Jessica hadn’t been opposed to pre-martial sex in her early twenties, this whole damn marriage wouldn’t even have happened.
Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom
As we all know, Khloe and Lamar’s marriage went to hell this year amongst a bunch of drug and cheating scandals. Everyone in the picture above looks so happy and supportive of Khloe’s marriage, and but did any of these bitches ever once say “Are you out of your fucking mind? You met this motherfucker ONE month ago!” Who in their right fucking mind thinks it’s a good idea to marry someone they’ve known for one goddamn month! You should not marry someone if you have shit in your fridge that you’ve had longer than you’ve known them. Maybe if they’d waited a little bit, gotten to know each other better, their marriage wouldn’t have ended so fucking terribly.
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
I bet you all thought I was going to bring up Britney’s 55 hour Vegas wedding to childhood friend, Jason Alexander, but nope. I honestly don’t think that marriage was her biggest relationship mistake. Her biggest relationship mistake was obviously letting Justin Timberlake go, but after that it was marrying KFed. Britney Spears met KFed in 2004 when he was engaged to F-List actress, Shar Jackson, who was super pregnant with a baby boy. Three months later the two were engaged. Two months later they were married. Four months later they were pregnant. Three months after their first son was born they were pregnant again. Two months after their second son was born Britney filed for divorce. Sure she got two cute little kids out of the whole thing, but I think we all know this marriage took it’s toll on Britney and probably should’ve never happened.
Katy Perry and Russell Brand
Katy Perry got engaged to famed womanizer, Russell Brand, after three months of dating (they only knew each other for four months in total). In her stupid documentary, Katy Perry: Part of Me, it seemed that conflicting career schedules and Brand’s desire for children before Perry was ready led to the end of their marriage. In June 2013, Perry revealed in an interview with Vogue that Brand did not like the idea of her “being the boss” of things, and never spoke to her again after sending her a text message in which he initiated their divorce. You know, maybe if they’d waited longer than five minutes to get married they’d have known that Katy didn’t want to have kids yet and that Russell didn’t like bossy bitches and realized maybe they weren’t so perfect for each other.
Jennifer Lopez and Cris Judd
Technically all of J.Lo’s marriages potentially happened too soon, which is why none of them worked out. She married her first husband after a few months of dating and married Marc Anthony less than five months after her engagement to Ben Affleck ended, so bitch moves fast. However, her marriage that stands out to me as dumb as fuck was the one to back up dancer Cris Judd. Her and Puffy had been broken up for about ten seconds when she got hitched to Judd. J.Lo seems to have a real thing about not taking her time to get to know people and shit before she says yes when they pop the question like she’s the new Liz Taylor or some shit. Hopefully, after three failed marriages she’s finally learned from her mistakes.
Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries
By now, Kim’s 72 hour marriage to Kris Humphries has become pretty infamous as a multi-million dollar marriage that never should’ve happened. Kim and Kris were only dating for six months when they got married and they’d never even lived together so they really didn’t know about each other’s annoying habits. At the end of the day, I think Kim was just desperate to get married and didn’t give a single fuck about who it was to, so she ended up marrying a guy she couldn’t fucking stand just so she could have a big ass wedding and a big ass ring. The marriage ultimately ended and Kim went and got knocked up by Kanye West who put an even bigger ring on it, so, you know, I guess bitch got what she wanted.
Aaliyah and R. Kelly
R. Kelly famously likes ‘em young, but few people remember that in 1994, when he was 27, he married a 15-year-old Aaliyah. Remember when I said that Jessica Simpson and Hilary Duff were a bit young when they got married? Well, Aaliyah makes them look like they were fucking ancient when they got married. Kelly released a song called “Age Ain’t Nothing but a Number” and there was some pretty adult content written for Aaliyah, who was a minor in every sense of the word. Aaliyah lied about her age and was listed as 18 on their marriage certificate; the illegal (and fucking gross) marriage was annulled in February 1995 by her parents.
Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee
Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee married in February 1995 after knowing each other for four days. There was a famous sex tape, two kids, domestic abuse and some hep c allegations. They wed on a beach, with Anderson in a bikini. Anderson’s mother did not know, and learned of the marriage from People magazine. It was exactly the type of shit show marriage you’d except from two people who had only known each other for 96 hours when they said “I do.” Celebs do the darndest things.
Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton
This short-lived marriage pissed me off the most because Angelina Jolie is one of my all time biggest lady crushes and in 2000 I was totally obsessed with her and then she went and married gross old Billy Bob Thornton after a mere two months of dating. Angie was young, only 24, when they married, and definitely going through her public wild child phase. Billy Bob Thornton was basically just gross and their constant PDA was even grosser. As a result of their frequent public declarations of passion and gestures of love—most famously wearing one another’s blood in vials around their necks—their marriage became a favorite topic of the entertainment media. Joli filed for divorce less than two years later, stating that marrying super young and fast probably wasn’t a good idea since she didn’t really know herself when she married Billy Bob:
It took me by surprise, too, because overnight, we totally changed. I think one day we had just nothing in common. And it’s scary but… I think it can happen when you get involved and you don’t know yourself yet.
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise were one of those celebrity couples that gave me the super creeps. Yeah, I’m real original like that. The odd couple were only dating for two months when they got engaged. Not long after that Katie got knocked up. Their marriage lasted a few years; basically until Katie finally decided she’d gotten way in over her head with the whole Scientology thing.