Today is a very special day, because it’s the day that Michael Jackson turns 50 - or at least the odd patch of Michael Jackson turns 50.

Seriously, there are probably parts of his face that are only a couple of months old. But anyway, as bewildered as we are that Michael Jackson is 50, his birthday does beg one important question: What do you get a man who’s already spent way beyond his means to have everything?

Turns out the answer might be a telephone interview with Good Morning America, because that’s what he’s been given. And how did Michael Jackson tell an entire country that he would spend this important milestone? By having “a little cake with my children and we’ll probably watch some cartoons.”

Don’t, OK? Just don’t.

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It’s a well known fact that supermodels are competitive amongst their own kind. The Friday night binge and purge contests, the number of perverts that stalk you, the length of community service for drug and/or violence related offences… the list goes on.

But if you’re a supermodel and someone were to make a gold statue of your likeness, then that pretty much gives you most super supermodel of the universe status. Take Kate Moss, for instance. Some artist has made a gold statue out of her, and that’s quite an honour.

Just like it will be a tremendous honor when we finish our David Hasselhoff statue made from fingernail clippings of German teenage girls and kitten tears.

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Judgement time.

Folded:

• Get Smart (don’t mention Johnny English! No, don’t, ‘cos this is much better)
• Retro classic: Conan on the PS3 (you can get this game second hand for about twelve quid now, and if you just fancy bashing pixelated heads for an hour it’s well worth the dosh)
• Angelina Jolie time lapse portrait (pretty good actually)
• Watching Finding Neverland on TV again last week (pretending there is something in your eye for the last half hour is as difficult as it sounds)
• Would I Lie To You? (largely thanks to Lee Mack and David Mitchell, this show gets funnier all the time)

Creased:

• Bad tattoos (we’ve done some stupid shit, but man…)
• Advocaat (don’t stock up for that seventies theme party, unless you want your vomit to look like custard)
• Fenslerfilm’s GI Joe pisstakes (watched over ten minutes of these and laughed twice. For the most part they’re just plain weird)
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wear the same jeans (pale ones too)
• Disturbia by Rihanna (disturbing)

It’s ace having quality bands and solo artists on your doorstep. Before they break through onto the national scene, you’re guaranteed to catch them playing a gig in and around various cities close to you.

In a slightly personalised trawl this week, it’s time to expose you in to one such artist who has a strong reputation in the live Newcastle/Sunderland music scene.

Already tagged as a UK equivalent to LCD Soundsystem, Razmataz Lorry Excitement aka Kevin Dosdale serves up electro with soul that carries punk elements and doesn’t have an electronic boys and girls sound. Another plus point is the use of back-to-basics hardware in live performances and the creation of actual tracks. In an age where bedroom producers rely on software, it is refreshing to see someone actually work like a loon behind stacks of samplers and other music-making toys that’ll boggle your mind.

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We might be alone on this one, but does anyone else think that they picked the wrong members of the Lohan family for Living Lohan?

Seriously, there were loads to choose from and they picked Oblivious Mother Lohan, the teenage Lohan girl with a voice like a laryngitis-stricken pensioner and a little Lohan son so gaspingly anonymous that he might well be a silent figment of our imagination. Basically we’re just annoyed that Living Lohan stars neither Lindsay Lohan or her father Michael Lohan.

Why? Because Lindsay Lohan and Michael Lohan have had a spectacular falling out in public, with Lindsay going on her blog to call her dad a ‘bully’ and a ‘public embarrassment’. And Lindsay Lohan knows what she’s on about - she’s something of a global expert on being embarrassing in public.

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Paul McCartney, the former Beatle who looks most like your nan, usually only likes to fight people with fewer legs than him.

But now the gloves have come off, because Paul McCartney has just squared up to testicle-faced TV chef Gordon Ramsay in a magazine over a comment the chef made about wanting to electrocute some vegetarians. It’s literally the most dramatic fight between two funny-looking millionaires about vegetables that Sainsbury’s Magazine has ever seen.

But who to side for? On one hand Paul McCartney was in the most famous band of all time and wrote Yesterday and Hey Jude, and on the other Gordon Ramsay can cook dinner quite well. Oh, this is a right bloody dilemma.

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Say what you want about the Star Wars prequels, it’s still an unparalleled cinematic experience when the lights go down and the familiar John Williams fanfare kicks in with the logo and text crawl.

So it’s a feeling of impending cinematic doom when this new prequel/middle/sequel gets this simplest of iconic moments wrong!

Straight away you feel that your heading downhill with The Clone Wars as it replaces the text crawl with a voiceover narration that feels as jarring as it does patronising. As we get plumped straight into the action we have to get used to the new aesthetic style that matches a wooden finish with that of the prequel trilogy acting. It also dumps the classic musical themes of the saga, instead opting for, among other things, rock-style electric guitar. It’s as bad as it sounds, literally!

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David Duchovny might have pooed away his movie career making that lousy X Files movie, but you know what? At least he’s got his dignity.

Yes, say what you like about David Duchovny, but you can’t fault the flawlessly dignified way that he overcomes life’s obstacles. As an example, the statement that David Duchovny released yesterday claiming that he’s a long-term sex addict and that he’s seeking treatment in rehab for it was as noble and elegant and, yes, dignified as you could ever ask for.

Also - David Duchovny’s a sex addict? Hahahahahahaha hahahahaha hahahaha haha ahaha hahahaha ahaha haaaa! What a tit.

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Good lord in heaven, Paper Golf 2 is such an astoundingly brilliant game that we wish we’d thought of it first. Sometimes we really hate people who are better than us, you know.

Paper Golf 2 is perfect - it’s basically blind golf. You have to try and get a ball across a course into a hole, but here you have to draw a line to the whole. From memory, because the course disappears as soon as you start. Beware of water hazards and wooded areas, but mainly beware that the game will destroy your productivity for about a month. Genius.

Play Paper Golf 2 now

Despite everything we’ve said, alluded to or thought over the last six months, we’re thrilled that Beverly Hills 90210 is coming back. Really.

Why? Because new Beverly Hills 90210 makes a clean break from the past. It’s banished all the pastel sweaters and pouffy hair of the old Beverly Hills 90210 and brought in a brand new team of youngsters who underline just how completely brand new the brand new Beverly Hills 90210 is. It’s brand new, you know.

So who’s the biggest star of this super-new, bleeding-edge Beverly Hills 90210? Um, Shannen Doherty. Off the old Beverly Hills 90210. But it’s not all cripplingly pointless news, because now she’s famous again, Shannen Doherty gets to put the record straight about a fight she didn’t have with Jennie Garth more than a decade ago. Whew!

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What’s happened on Big Brother since the great big public nomination/money quiz of Wednesday night? Nothing, that’s what.

Phew. We don’t know about you, but this whole ’stuff actually happening on Big Brother‘ malarkey freaked us out. For a second there we thought Big Brother was going to do stuff every single day instead of occasionally punctuate 80 days of morbid tedium with a sloppily thought-out gameshow containing approximately zero tension. Thanks Big Brother. Don’t go changing.

But anyway - it’s Lisa and Sara up for eviction this week, and we looked at Sara’s chances yesterday, so here are the Big Brother betting odds for Lisa’s eviction, with help from Paddy Power…

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It must be difficult being Beyonce’s sister - she got the looks, the ambition and the talent and all you’re left with is a name that rhymes with ‘flange’.

With that in mind, if we were Solange Knowles we’d get a little bit tetchy with people who compare us to Beyonce. No, more than that, we’d actually throw an embarrassing full-on sulky tantrum on television if someone even said the name ‘Beyonce’ within earshot of us. We would. We’d look like total bellends doing it, and it’d probably harm our career quite profoundly, but a little thing like that wouldn’t stop us.

Funnily enough it wouldn’t stop Solange Knowles either. A hapless presenter on a local Las Vegas Fox entertainment show happened to mention Beyonce’s name just before a Solange Knowles interview yesterday, and Solange threw an incredible schoolmarmish hoity toity “Mer mer mer” prissy little tantrum at her for it.

Video footage? Why of course there’s video footage…

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