It’s that time of the week once more where you get texts from distant relatives and Facebook friends you decided it was acceptable to dole out your mobile number to.
They are texting you because they know that you will be slinking back to a cold flat alone after work and they want your Orange Wednesday so they can go to the cinema with their real friends. You might not be invited, but you’re also not using it are you?
We know that you don’t want to cry all night so we’re going to let you watch some of the trailers for the films they might be watching this week then you can be part of the team (which you’re not because as we all know there’s no ‘I’ in team.)
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We’ve all had a very hard week haven’t we? Valentine Day is completely sorted (some chocolates, that 7p ASDA Valentine’s card and a quickie will do), our interest in Katy Wix and Anna Crilly, the two women who advertise Harvey’s during Coronation Street, has started waning and we’ve emotionally dealt with that, we’ve seen Madonna’s vagina more times this week than we’d like to admit, and we’ve fended off numerous LoveFilm ambushes on the High Street (they can’t ask us whether we like film if they have no tongues).
We should probably treat ourselves.
Well, the hecklerspray bedsit has your back, because as of today, we’re going to give you even more things to watch. And that’s not all either. We’re doing away with focusing on just the weekend, and instead peering our beady gaze over the ENTIRE WEEK. Hopefully this will stop you all from drinking heavily through the stress of not knowing what to watch on a Wednesday, and definitely do away with the worry of not having anything to talk about while you’re stood at the smoking hut. Samaritans staff more telephonists during Wednesdays because Eastenders isn’t on and no one talks about Midsomer Murders anymore.
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Every week it’s the same, nothing ever really changes. We come into the hecklerspray bedsit on a Monday morning, having been released to poison the outside world over the weekend, and find the same stinking pizza boxes, the same drained bottles of methylated spirits and the same greasy, ignominious faces staring at us across the room.
Our ‘colleagues’ as we laughingly refer to them are actually lawyers who, down on their luck after losing a Tax Evasion case, have rented out the far corner of the bedsit which is sometimes known as “The Fred West Wing”. They look ill. Lawyers always look ill.
Perhaps it’s the smell which is putting them off their writs. The festering stench of the opposite corner, marked out by a laminated card which- in odious Comic Sans- reads “POST”. It’s enough to make anyone sick to their stomach.
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Robert Dewey Hoskins, who probably writes for hecklerspray for all we know, was sentenced to 10 years in the clink in 1996 after being arrested for scaling a wall around Madonna’s home (impressive enough in itself) before threatening to slit her throat.
Seriously. We know her music isn’t as good as it used to be, but even we think that’s a bit much.
Anyway, understandably, Madge thought that this was all rather upsetting, and ended up testifying during Hoskins’ trial, saying that she had nightmares about the homeless man from Oregon after he kept appearing near her house. THE GOOD NEWS? He’s on the loose again!
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Chris Brown. What’s he going to be remembered for? Selling a load of lousy records? His pastel coloured blazers? Of course not. He’ll forever be remembered as the man that punched ten-shades out of Rihanna.
As yet, Breezy has failed to say anything approaching ‘sorry’ for the attack and, indeed, preferred to ‘forgive his enemies’ who keep bringing it up, like its our fault he thwacked his bony knuckles against RiRi’s skull repeatedly.
And thanks to him failing to show any kind of remorse, he’s been told that he must remain on probation. That’s not stopped the Grammies from booking him though. We can only hope for another ‘shirt-off, chair through a window’ episode, eh?
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You may remember him from Home Alone and Uncle Buck, but there’s much more to Macaulay Culkin than those two films. Actually, now you mention it, there isn’t. That’s all he’s ever done. Ever.
Okay, that’s not really true either.
The other thing Culkin is famed for is the fact he had the temerity to grow older and develop into an increasingly less-cute thing on its hind legs. He basically went from adorable and annoying, to forgettable and hideous. HOWEVER! He’s back in the news and people are pointing at his cheek bones and gurgling at how appallingly thin he is… and yes, we’ve got the pictures.
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In news that will shock all right-thinking people, and leave the Beckhams kicking themselves that they didn’t think of it first, Beyonce and Jay-Z are attempting to trademark their baby’s name, Blue Ivy.
We’re not sure if we’re allowed to even write ‘Blue Ivy’ without giving them some sort of remuneration, actually…
Following two unsuccessful attempts by money-grubbing opportunists to trademark Blue Ivy, the ludicrous couple have filed a patent application with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to protect it, in the process managing to look really, really arrogant and a bit mental.
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Right. Here’s the future. In the year 200andGoogleitbecausewedidnot, once all the disinfectant from Leona Lewis’ Olympic Opening Ceremony Performance has sterilized Britain, there is to be some exciting news. Naomi Watts is going to do exactly what Meryl Streep has just done here in 2012.
But she’s going to do it slightly more creepier – and be all PRINCESS DIANA and everything.
Okay. Quick reminder on who Princess Diana is, just before everyone jumps on the bandwagon and starts holding aloft an ironic piece of bunting with a smashed arm of a princess on it or something.
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Readers’ Letters: “This Ignorant Little Twit’s Opinion Doesn’t Matter” Or “A Cacophony Of Verbose Morons”
by Michael Park on February 10, 2012 0 Comments
Our ‘colleagues’ as we laughingly refer to them are actually lawyers who, down on their luck after losing a Tax Evasion case, have rented out the far corner of the bedsit which is sometimes known as “The Fred West Wing”. They look ill. Lawyers always look ill.
Perhaps it’s the smell which is putting them off their writs. The festering stench of the opposite corner, marked out by a laminated card which- in odious Comic Sans- reads “POST”. It’s enough to make anyone sick to their stomach.
Read More >>>