Completely appalling goggle-eyed squawking gargoyle Katie ‘Jordan’ Price hits back at rumours in the Daily Star that she is pregnant via her Twitter account stating that her new ‘belly’ – filled we imagine with a diet of Bacardi Breezers and Cheerios – is not evidence of a horrifying addition to our already addled gene pool:

I can confirm I’m 100% not pregnant

No, she’s just fat, the dreadful troglodyte, whose total body mass now consists of 90% fake eyelashes, pretend teeth, hair extensions and comedy breasts – at a completely unscientific and made-up estimate – and 10% actual woman who you probably wouldn’t touch in the first place, no matter how many WKDs you’d downed.

And some fat.

Speaking to the Guardian, Katie ‘Jordan’ Price states that she is ‘like’ a hideous chubber because:

I’m like one of them, I make an effort, I’m not just a lay on your back, open your legs, look at the time. I actually work it.

Whilst anyone sensible vomited their own genitals out through their mouths at the disgusting thought of this frightful human shag-doll actually going ‘at it’, there are further reports from the Mail stating that she and Planet-Of-The-Apes-looking intellectual giant Alex Reid are undergoing fertility treatment in order to ‘gift’ the world with more future-drug-addicts. It’s like no-one heard of Paula Yates.

We’ve heard Alex being interviewed and although it’s fair to say that a man who can barely speak may have trouble conceiving a child – it is trickier than you would think – we can confirm that any rumours regarding the couples failure or otherwise to make a hell-child due to overheard cries from their mansion of “no Alex babe, that’s the wrong-un” and “seriously babe, a toe ain’t going to do it” are completely untrue.